Things always seem worse at night.

It’s late at night and I can’t sleep, which explains why this will probably sound like a really depressive post. Things always seem better in the morning. It’s funny when once you sleep on something, you wake up the next day and feel completely different. I am hoping for that tomorrow.

After discovering that Narcissist’s usually always start off as this perfect ideal man to start with and change, I have realised that the person or ideal that I loved was exactly that, an ideal, an illusion. He was witty, charming, smart, sensitive,caring and empathetic. But as it turns out Narcissists have the ability to pick up what you want in a partner and become that person, but this never lasts. The change can be either fast and dramatic, or slow and insidious.

So this ‘perfect person’ I found, never existed. Whilst I understand this, sometimes I feel like ‘why did this person have to be like this.’ I am not a person that really connects with that many people. The thing that really sucks is, well, he was a good friend and someone I enjoyed talking to, we could have intellectual conversations. So it wasn’t actually real, but now I feel like the bar is really high and no one will ever live up to this illusion. This person doesn’t realise what this illusion has done, it has made me think that nothing will compare to a fake presense. Because nothing probably ever will be able to, it was all fake.

Defining the last 5 Years

On the 28th of September 2006, I, along with my 73 other classmates graduated high school. It was an exciting time, filled with optimistic fear. Each year since then, I have learnt some very valuable lessons which defined each year from the journey I have made from the 17-year-old girl who didn’t know what she was going to do with her life, to the 22-year-old girl, who still doesn’t know what she is going to do with her life. 

2007 – The Year of  Autonomy yet Romance.

2007 was the year I started high school, for anyone reading this that might be American (as the largest proportion of people who I seem to meet on here are) you have to realise that we do University very different in Australia. We tend to go to Universities close to where we live, we only really move if we have it. That being said, University definitely isn’t as social in Australia as it is in the United States. After coming from a really small community based high school, were even 5 years later I am still friends with about 40-50% of my classmates, this was a huge adjustment. I had to learn to go places on my own, travel a hell of a long way to get to classes and figure out how to enjoy solitude. I had friends at university, though I learnt quickly to do my own thing. Though this is the year I experience the most romantic bliss, being in a good relationship with few hiccups.

2008 – The Year of Hard Work and Hard Partying

2008 proved to be one of the hardest for me study wise. With subjects such as Social Research Methods, Philosophies of Social Sciences as well as Mind, Body and Emotion and Health Psychology and Drugs, Addiction and Society it proved to be one tough year learning the vast areas that Social Science degrees have to offer. Despite turning 18 in 2007, 2008 was when I really explored what this extra privilege gave me. We have been having house parties for years, but 2008 was the time for exploring all the clubs. You name the type of clubs and I tried it this year. Indie Clubs, retro clubs, emo clubs, metal clubs (I was the preppiest person there, I thought I might get knifed) R n B clubs, trendy clubs. There was a lot of hard work relationships wise too, with a previously great relationship turning sour very quickly.

Purple Sneakers, my favourite club during this phase and that DJ (Monkey Genius) happens to be one of my 74 classmates. That’s right, I am cool by association only.

2009 – The Year of Changes and Adventures - This was the best year of my life and sometimes I am not sure why this year stands out so much more than any other, but it does. The changes that took place in 2009, were probably the most significant personal growth a person can have. I left a relationship that downright made me miserable and got my life back again. I deferred university, went overseas alone and did things completely for myself that were completely my own choosing. It was all me. I achieved a lot this year, made a lot of great friends and think of these experiences like they were yesterday.

2010 – The Year of Reconnection (and the ending of 16 and a half years of education and yes more partying)

The year of all the 21st. The 21st came rolling in and this year gave me some of the cheapest and best parties I have and ever will attend. Being invited to all the old friends from high school parties also reinforced just how much of a bond you create with the people you share the experience of school with. Even though we will all make new friends and go off in different directions, we will always have that connection. 2010 is a year I never give enough credit too. I finished a degree this year. I left a huge phase of my life behind. In hindsight it was a very exciting year.

2011 – The Year of the Opening Eyes and Seeing the World.

The end of 2011 proved to be my downfall, with a breakdown to follow. This year was the year of challenges, the year of opening eyes for many reasons. Firstly from travelling through Europe for 4 and a half months, my eyes were opened to world events I had little to no idea about. That is what travel is for, it broadens the mind. I learnt so much recent history that I really didn’t know much about such as Soviet’s Invasion in Central Europe. In my modern history classes back at high school we focused more on Asian History and American History, so European History is something I knew very little about until recently Secondly, I opened my eyes to the holes and reality of my private life, reality isn’t exactly bliss at times, but at least its reality. Despite the challenges of this past year, I got to see a lot of the world which I have longed to do for a very long time.

And now a question for anyone reading this?

How do you define the last 5 years of your life? and how do you hope to define 2012?

As a young person…

As a young person about to start her professional life, it kind of worries me about how the choices I make will affect the rest of my life. I have some direction and I know where I want to be. It is just a matter of knowing how I will get there.

Today I turned down a role as a Fundraising Administrator at a really good not for profit organisation, however one that targets Cancer, not International Aid in which I am hoping later down the line to get into. Whilst this role was at a great organisation and I have to be realisitic, I haven’t got a lot of other roles coming my way, however I just can’t see this role taking me any place I want to go. I guess this post is mostly just for me to get out my fears that I have made the wrong choice. Only time will tell. It seems like the older we get, the more tough choices we have to make. I guess at this stage I have to bank on myself and take that chance that something better will come along.

Happy Australia Day

Today is Australia Day. Happy Australia Day to all Australian’s out there. After travelling for over 4 months last year as well as my other travels I have really come to appreciate how great my country is. I love being Australian and coming from such a diverse, multicultural country, with such a spirit of mate-ship and larrikenism. There is nothing I am more proud to call myself some days than just plain old Australian.(without sounding like a patriotic wanker)

Happy Australia Day.

Decoding the Fuzz

Since my ex boyfriend broke up with me and I came home from being overseas with him, I have had to work really hard to get my mental health back up. A lot of this involved decoding things he told me about myself or things he twisted onto me and realise how much better I deserve then this.

I had a mental breakdown, was teary, was having anxiety attacks and was diagnosed with depression and you know what.. it’s not my fault. Yesterday I had a massive fight with my ex. Well basically we spoke and when he found out I didn’t have a disorder called Hashimotos which causes major mood swings, he got angry because apparently all my crazy behaviour was really just me. Apparently it was completely all my fault that I got depressed and anxious. It was all my fault apparently that he lied to me, knocked me aside for others attention, never empathise with me ever.It’s not my fault that I couldn’t take the neglect and unhappiness. I was on the other side of the world and all I had was him. I had a mental breakdown and he left me alone for days afterwards in a country where I didn’t know anyone. He then told people he thought I was going to kill myself, yet if he really thought that, why did he leave me alone. Then tell me ‘he went to any length for me.’ Surely I am not the only one that sees this as screwed up.

If I got physically sick at a time that inconvenienced him, then I wasn’t allowed to be sick or slow down. I had to go along with whatever he wanted, because I wasn’t an individual person, with individual needs and individual wants. I wasn’t allow an opinion of my own, because I was an extension of him. Nothing more in his eyes.

Yesterday he had the nerve to say to me that he deserved more recognition for ‘going to any length’ for me. He also said he felt guilt but had no idea why because he didn’t make any mistakes. And also implied that my own mental health problems from his abuse was my fault. That my anxiety attacks are my fault and that I got depressed and it’s my fault.

It’s not my fault. I am so glad I am not as clueless anymore as I was. Girls, don’t let a guy treat you like crap then tell you that it’s your fault that your depressed and having anxiety attacks. Don’t date anyone that lacks empathy and can’t even see it.

You accept the love you think you deserve…. and I know I deserve a lot better than this.

The Things I learnt From Last Night.

Last night me and my friend hit the town (well ok, the suburbs not so much the ‘town’) for a girly night of bitching and drinking. Here is what we learnt.

- Don’t pole dance infront of a cop station, you look like a wanker.

- That dating at 22, is just more effort than it’s worth

- That internet dating is a mistake, well I learnt this one vicariously through her

- That drinking and texting don’t mix.

- That there are some really good looking guys near where I live.

- That you always drink your vodka raspberry’s with a straw, to avoid a pink mustache.

- That bitching about men is good for the soul.

Writing a Non Fiction Book Proposal

So I have my structure and plan all set out for my book proposal. Now I am filling in the blanks with research that I need to promote my idea.

It’s a lot more work than I originally thought. A lot more effort will be required than one without any knowledge of this would imagine. Turns out I don’t just need to figure out a plan for the book, but figure out, why it’s needed and how to market it. I don’t have any professional experience in any of these areas. Then again, neither would your average writer. (though they have writing skills so that puts them one step ahead of me)

Not only do I have to research the topic, the market, the competiton but also being a complete beginner at all this, I have to research how all these areas are done. There are many aspects to this process. More than anyone would imagine.

But I guess for me, I am really enjoying this process. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t enjoy it, but I am surprised how much I am getting into it. I never really get excited to do anything. I know that only 1% of proposed books get published, which just means there have been a lot of people in my shoes, with not many getting anywhere, but thats ok.

And it beats all those first time fiction writers out there, who usually have to write their whole book, before pitching, with only 1% published. Gosh that is an unforgiving business.

Hindsight

Life is sometimes really funny. Sometimes you don’t see things until a long time later. Last night I was talking to an old boyfriend of mine from many years ago. We dated from when I was 17 until I was 20. It was my first serious relationship, my first real one. I have a lot of good memories from this relationship (and some bad too) it was a very intense relationship at the time and I know this person did care about me very much, possibly too much, more than I understood.

Whilst I am anything but trying to convey that this relationship was perfect, it was not in any way shape or form perfect. We weren’t suited to each other and I was a lot younger and more naive. It ended in a pretty bad way but years later we are on good terms and I am very grateful for that.

I love that a few years later I can look at how far we have both come in life and see that ending that was right. After my most recent relationship that ended I also have a greater appreciation for this guy. Not in a longing for him kind of way. I don’t mean to make it sound like I would be interested in him again, I wouldn’t be. Whilst he was far from perfect, he really cared about me. I have never once doubted that. I guess I just really appreciate how much he cared about me, it’s hard being the person who gives more of themselves to a relationship. After being on the opposite side of this, I really get it.

He had some tough personal circumstances since we broke up and he has worked really hard and I am really proud of how far it seems he has come. He is now travelling the world for 10 months.

Best of Luck

Where did my life go?

It’s weird when you get to the age of early twenties. It was only a few years ago that the world seemed to have every opportunity opened to it. You could still do anything and be anything. In a few weeks time I will be 23. I didn’t think I would be this young when I got to the stage where I would be freaking out about getting old. It seems a bit ridculous even writing it down, I know it sounds silly. Every time I mention my getting old worries to my parents, they REALLY freak out about being old.

Hearing about the achievements of people younger than me, is really strange feeling and happens more and more as time goes on. When you hear of achievements of people older than you, you feel as though you have something to aspire to and your stage in life will come where you can achieve these things.

But when you hear the achievements of those younger than you, you begin to question, Where did my life go? Where has all this time gone? Maybe this is some kind of quarter life crisis, or maybe everybody feels like this. I do have a lot to show for my life and I lead a very furfilling life. But hearing about the achievements of people younger than myself freaks me out. Perhaps because I have always been the baby of the family, looking up to those older than me, and now I am looking up to those younger than me for the first time. It’s a bizarre feeling. Jessica Watson – Youngest Person to Sail Solo Around the World.

Guptara Twins – Jyoti Guptara is one of the youngest full time writers, starting at age 15 (currently 23)

I wonder when these thoughts will stop hurting.

Having my usual late night internet fix on IMDB and I came across mentions of the Sundance Film Festival In Park City Utah. I was meant to live in Utah. I mean I am glad that it did not happen and grateful to be home with my sanity and well being resorted, but sometimes I wonder when will the thoughts of not getting to do all the things I was excited for stop hurting. It’s funny, because it’s not even a regret. I don’t regret coming home and I had to miss out on all these things to come home. But I just wonder when it won’t hurt anymore.Why does travel plans not furfilled hurt so much?

I came home because I was depressed and me and my then boyfriend were meant to live there together but he broke up with me, for being depressed. I am all good now. My sanity is back and I am back to being happy and healthy. I am me again. But why does it still hurt? Why did seeing the words Sundance Film Festival, make my stomach sink as did the day the Coachella line up came out

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