Over the last couple of weeks, I have realised that I have to change my habits when it comes to codependancy in relationships and friendships that are unhealthy. I never saw myself as codependant before and even during this ordeal with my ex-boyfriend overseas. However in my desperate ‘need’ to be friends with him, after everything he has done to me has made me question myself. It has also made me question why I was with someone like this for so long. After hearing a quote that talked about how only masochists or codependants really last in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, it has made me really see one essential truth that I really can’t deny anymore. Most people won’t stay in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, so why did I? Most people won’t be treated like that and will walk away. However I refused to ever walk away from it, and in the end I never did. I have been telling myself that if the circumstances were different (I wasn’t overseas and scared of leaving and being alone overseas) that it wouldn’t have gotten to that point. All my friends and family have been quick to point out that it wasn’t normal circumstances and in normal circumstances things wouldn’t have gotten that bad. But I feel like my family and friends are helping find excuses for myself. Though whatever the circumstances were and whatever excuses I want to spin around it, I can’t spin around the fact that I am still putting myself last when it comes to being friends with this person and not fully thinking about the affects on myself. I am still being attacked by them, they are still treating me the same way and I am still letting them, I know there is no way to ‘stop them’ in the sense of changing there actions, but I can change my own. So over the last couple of days I have been reading about codependancy. Everyone has codependant traits, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have some, but there is a rate when they become unhealthy and I do not want to venture back into unhealthy codependancy. So over the last couple of days I have created some guidelines for myself in which I will apply to all interpersonal relationships in my life.
1.) Set up boundaries in relationships
2.) Walk Away/Let Go
3.) Nothing I do for others, should harm myself
4.) Recognise that my own wants and needs are just as important as everyone elses
5.) Forgive, but only after I have felt what I am feeling
6.) Not to dismiss my own feelings or let anyone tell me to dismiss them
Am I the only one that misses the White Stripes?
And if there’s one of these unavoidable laws
It’s that you just can’t take the effect and make it the cause
When I talked to a friend about how to get over someone and stop thinking about them, they told me I needed a distraction. However sometimes I find it hard to distract myself when the thoughts about the ex-boyfriend comes up. I needed something else to think about. A concrete unrelated question to ask myself.So my friend suggested to think about ‘what would you do with one million dollars.’ Now every time thoughts of the ex-boyfriend comes up, instead of ‘I want to talk to him’,’ I miss him’ or ‘I want him back’ I dream about some big thought out plan if I were ever to have a million dollars dropped on my letterbox. As unconventional as it sounds, it somewhat works. (more than a lot of things I have tried.) The last couple of days it has worked enough for me to not send any emails or text that I would have regretted.
So what would I do with one million dollars. I’d go on a family trip with my mum, dad and brother (and I spose his girlfriend, it’s ridculous how practical and pragmatic my fantasy are sometimes) I’d take us somewhere we have all never been before. Perhaps Canada. Perhaps Vietnam. Perhaps New Zealand. The last family holiday we all took all 4 of us was almost 8 years ago. My brother and I just kind of go to old for them and our school holidays was spent more with friends. But I do miss all the wonderful memories of our family trips when we were younger. It would be lovely to relive those memories again.
So all you broken hearted people out there, What would you do with one million dollars?
Recently I wrote a post about how my new hobby was entering in lots of competitions. Considering I have only been doing this when I have been getting ridiculously bored because unemployment is killing me and I have somewhat started to reap the benefits. So far in my efforts I have won a free meal at Nandos, 2 tickets to the Moonlight Cinema and yesterday I got a bit of a peculiar email. I had won tickets to the happiness and it’s causes seminar. My first reaction was like what? I don’t actually recall entering into that, so I really didn’t actually know what my prize was. Though when I saw it was worth $995, I thought, I probably did enter it because I thought, I will be able to sell anything that is worth $995. But turns out I can’t sell it. So I looked up what it was that I was invited to attend for nothing at all.
Turns out my prize is a 2 day Happiness Seminar.
That is the first days program and the second can be found above. Anyone who is Australian, will know that it had got some kind of cool people speaking at it celebrity wise as well as some really intellectual people speaking about what the roots of happiness and everything about happiness and its causes. If only I won last years one, the Dali Lama spoke at that one. Due to my recent life circumstances, it could actually be really good for me. Worse comes to worse, it’s something to do and if it sucks, well I can always leave. It also has free food.
And my 25 words or less entry on what was my happiest moment? My mum picking me up from the airport after coming home from my disaster of a trip (it was written a little more poetically than that.) Thanks mum. Not only are you the best mother in the word, but your awesomeness wins me prizes too.
Lately I have noticed how full of irony life really is.
The times when life has hit rock bottom, have also contained some of my greatest joys
The times where I would fight so hard to have something not happen and be so scared of having something happen, that my very actions in making this event not happen, made it happen anyway.
That I went overseas to find myself and I came home a total mess and more lost than I ever was.
I planned a mini trip to Cambodia, as a test run for travelling to prepare for a big trip to Europe, only for the ‘test run’ to be the greatest thing I ever did and the ‘real thing’ fell short
That I found myself again by going back to exactly where I started
That my biggest lessons I have learnt about love, have stemmed from heartbreak.
That life had to get really bad, before it had the potential to get good again.
I can’t help but laugh sometimes, about how ironic life really is
Right now I am unemployed and living with my parents. So my days are spent in equal parts; applying for jobs, watching copious amounts of television, writing in this blog, sorting my life out and writing a book proposal. Not totally unproductive, but lets be honest, it’s fairly unproductive.
Right now, I am watching Gossip Girl. I use to watch Gossip Girl when it first came out but gave up on it pretty quickly. However boredom and desperation have got me back to watching it again, and we have developed a great love hate relationship.
I am starting to get addicted, I know, I am somewhat ashamed and feel embarrassed admitting this to random people on the internet. The fashion, the scandal and the daydreaming about Dan has pulled me in. So has my overwhelming boredom.
But today watching some of the twisted messages on Gossip Girl made me think ‘gosh I hope young girls don’t take any notice of this show.’ By this I am not talking about the scheming and the backstabbing, because whilst that is featured in obsence amounts, their is usually a moral to the story and good wins. I am talking about this shows take on relationships and love.
One of the characters was saying to another that his abusive and horrible ways of treating her and their intensely bi-polar relationship was the makings of ‘great love’ and that she deserved a ‘good love.’ By this he mean one that was going to be steady good for her. Whilst I don’t disagree with what he is saying, that she deserves someone that will make her happy all the time, but isn’t it sad how we label turbulent relationships as ‘great love’ because sometimes they are intense but often others they are horrible, abusive and a massive rollercoaster rides. I find it kind of scary, the messages of crazy rollercoaster ride relationships from hell are being labelled as ‘great loves’
Give me a ‘good love’ anyday.
Possibly my favourite postsecret ever.
Was never really intenting on going to Brighton, but it was a rare ‘heat wave’ in England when I was there (same temperature as a mild spring day in Sydney), so might as well hit a coastal town.