Bon Vogage

And some now it comes full circle. Tomorrow I leave for South America to embarke on my adventure. Despite having travelled alone before, I am pretty nervous. I know I am going on a tour, so it’s not exactly ‘travelling alone’ but for a good chuck of the time I will be alone. Packing my bag and planning for this trip, I’m reminded how different my life was. I’ve been telling myself that this will be harder and scarier because I am on my own. But in so many ways, it will be so much easier as last trip as I had all the downsides of travelling with someone and very little of the positives.

In many ways this trip feels like the closing of a chapter for me, as it comes full circle to a stage where I get to do it all over again, my way.   I wanted to travel alone and make up for the last trip that meant so much to me, but I had to focus on my future before I was able to just fly off again. Create foundations in my life. But now I’ve done that, I’ve worked hard and can reap the rewards. However this has placed a lot of pressure on this trip. I feel like I am setting a trip up for failure if I place all this pressure on it for making up for one of the biggest regrets of my life. I think that’s probably asking to much for a holiday, so I am trying my best to keep my expectations in check.

See you soon South America

Steps Towards Happiness – Making up for Past Regrets.

As anyone who reads this blog would know, that travel is a big deal for me and that I have some extreme regrets when it comes to this last trip. I know that they say that you should never regret anything and that regrets are futile, but sometimes regret is an unescapable emotion, no matter how we try to shift our thinking around the incident.

And shift my thinking around the incident I did. I told myself that I’ve learnt some irreplaceable lessons through this trip that have very much shaped who I am today. This is true and something that I do constantly remind myself. I also tell myself that my trip was not all bad and that I saw a lot of things that a lot of people won’t in their lifetime. This is also true, however I can also say that travelling whilst experiencing crippling depression is one of the most bittersweet experiences. You know with every fibre in your being that you should be enjoying yourself. You know that you should be loving all the amazing places you experience and loving all the opportunities that you have in your ridiculously privileged life. But that is the thing when it comes to depression. Rational thought means nothing when it comes to depression. Sometimes in my more mentally healthy state I do find it hard to place myself back into that  mind space of how I felt before when I was depressed, because I have moved so far from where I was, but one thing I do remember, was that rational thought and depression do not co-exist.

But I think that is the hardest thing. To know that I went on this amazing experience and that I went to some really truly amazing locations and circumstances that were only in part outside of my control, allow for an amazing experience to be only a portion of what it should have been. And over the last 18 months, I’ve learnt that regrets are hard things to live with, I can honestly say I’ve never had  a true irreversible regret until this point of my life, and it was one of the hardest emotions to learn to live with.

Since coming home, saving up and going on another trip has been something I have been dying to do, but it hasn’t always been that simple. Temp work was hard to find with huge competition against much more experienced people. As I was getting older, I also could not put off my future for much longer, otherwise I would pay for this decision later in life. I made the decision to start a career styled type of employment to move forward professionally in my life as I couldn’t let my past regrets take that much control of my future. This decision though, saw any futures chances of travel be postponed and shortened.

But this is all about to change. 2013 would be my chance to make up for this, by having my own trip. I spent a great deal of 2012 thinking about where I would go and what I would do. Firstly I planned to go to India, then the plans changed to the USA again as I did not get to see or do the things that I wanted to do whilst I was there (except New York and who doesn’t want to go to New York twice). Then the plans changed to Greece and Turkey. Then back to the States.

About one month ago, I finally applied for leave at work and have planned a trip. To South America. It’s kind of ironic that not once in this year of dreaming did I even think about this continent. But I know my decision is right and I am so excited for my trip. I will be going for 1 month to Brazil, Uruguay and Argentina. I will be going solo again and despite having travelled solo before, I am excitedly petrifed. I leave in less than a month. I don’t know if this experience will write off any past regrets that I have had, as it might be a huge ask of a holiday, but I do know that it is another step towards happiness.

A Single Year

As a serial monogamous, this year has been an interesting one. I’m a relationships kind of person and when I found myself out of one, I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I have now been single for well over a year.  After 2 relationships under my belt by the age of 22, I realized I probably needed some time of from that emotion. Sometimes I look around at my peers who go from one partner to the other and think, ‘do you actually like these people or can you just not handle being alone?’ and then one day I looked into that painful soul-reflecting mirror without any cover-up and thought ‘could I be one of those girls?’  Was I in the trap of fear of being alone waiting for a knight to come save me?

 After a few months of being single I also realised that I had spent the majority of my coming to age years, finding myself whilst not being by myself and questioned whether I really knew me at all (it was an existential kind of day) These are the things I’ve learnt to love and learnt to appreciate  during my new-found ‘single not looking’ status (okay there was some looking)

1. Freedom – When your single your free to see and do whatever you want without really having any consequences or thinking about anyone else when making that decision. I can make plans at the drop of a hat, book random weekends away, take up every offer that friends make without considering anyone elses time, schedule or thoughts on the matter. As long as your selfish attitude isn’t effecting anyones else life, then it’s not really selfish right? Well this is what I tell myself anyway. Your selfish years are limited. But then there is also this other side to the freedom that I didn’t even realise I didn’t have. Emotional freedom. I had not made a choice for years without considering someone else. It’s only since being single that I’ve realised how much my relationships have influenced choices I have made that have shaped my life. The last year, my life has changed dramatically through some choice I have made. I feel these are more real and more me when your not thinking of two.

2. Going to Things Alone (it can be kind of awesome) – There’s something quite liberating about doing things alone. Whilst I wouldn’t want to do every activity for the rest of my life alone, I have to admit I am enjoying my own company on little adventures more than I thought I would. There is also something quite liberating about going out with a huge group of couples where you’re the only single person and feeling quite comfortable with the whole experience. As someone who’s been every kind of odd wheeled number under the sun and enjoy it, I feel I can own this independent thing now. As someone incredibly shy and introverted, not having that safety blanket does you wonders.

3.No, fewer men dramas -  Ok so we still have some men dramas, the guy we gave our number to that didn’t call (this one guy went so far out of his way to get my number , why bother if he wasn’t going to use it anyway, I must have given it to him wrong, but no, I did triple check it, he must be dead, that’s the only logical explanation, what do you think 1 million female friends and probably a few male friends too that I am obviously going to discuss this with incessantly?) or then worse, the guy that did text me and 30 texts later  wish you had been too drunk to type your number properly; but this is about as gloriously uncomplicated as it gets.

4. Not missing anyone – At one point, I was in a long distance relationship, I lived a life of constant longing for someone. Whilst at the time naive little me believed some Disney quote about it being better to have someone to miss then not to have someone at all. Maybe I am getting cold in my old age, but this is a load of codswallop.  Not missing anyone is brilliant. Missing someone can be crippling and all-consuming and not in the way Carrie Bradshaw envisioned it. I feel like a shmuck for saying that, but this is true. Missing someone can be so consuming that it clouds everything. Suddenly massive life opportunities become less wonderful, because you’ll miss someone. I’m not saying not to take massive life opportunity or break up with someone so as to not to miss them, cause that won’t work, but it is nice to be free from the cripplingness of missing someone.

5 More time – In all that time that I’m not either sitting around waiting for someone to call or seeing boring movies I never wanted to see anyway, I suddenly have more time to get things done. More time for family and more time for friends and more time me.

6. More social circles that are your own - With all these extra free time, you have more time to invest in your social circles, new and old. Whilst having a partner can introduce you into a new social circle, this social circle never really feels like something your completely included in. You’ll always be on the outside. I’ve spent a lot of this year (with a lot of help) developing old friendships and creating new ones.

7. The longer I am single, the more comfortable I get with it, the less likely I’m going to give it up for just anyone – This post makes it seem like I’ve moved to single-town and I don’t want to return. That’s not entirely true. But the more comfortable you are with being single, the more choosy you get with who you’d be willing to give up all these benefits for. For any girl in their early 20′s, this is only a good thing.

Steps Towards Happiness – The Paradox of Happiness

Yesterday morning marked one year since I stepped off the plane. One year since my mum greeted me at the airport and barely recognised me. One year since I drove home, looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise myself. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, taking a solid look and thinking, how did I get here? I lay in my bed, staring blankly out the same window I’d been staring out my whole life, but the view looked awfully different to the view I’d once known.

This morning marks one year since I was diagnosed with depression and day one of my endeavour into finding happiness. Over the last year I have learnt a lot about happiness but I have approached happiness in a much different way than I ever have previously.  But for the sake of reminiscing I’d like to go back to the start, the first step of happiness, identifying what actually makes you happy.

This as it turns out is not as simple as it sounds. When I was in Seattle approximately two weeks before I came home I saw a doctor who told me that to improve my health and happiness I needed to A.) Reduce my sugar and caffeine intake dramatically, B.) Not to travel around anymore and stay in one place (preferably back home) and have more stability C.) Have regular exercise D) Take more baths, massages and other such relaxing things. Ok Doc, so I have no opposition to taking a bath, sure why not but your telling me that cutting out why favourite things in the world (Mar’s Bar’s,Coke and Travelling)  and telling me the answer to all my problems is to go home, find a stable office job and get on a treadmill and that will make me happy? No no, your sorely mistaken!

But as much as I hate to admit it, I went home, took some baths, somewhat cut out sugar (for like a month max) got a job I feel really passionate about, have a crazy stable life with the support of my family and friends. Sometimes you don’t know what will make you happy, sometimes it is about trialing the things you think will and having an honest look at the situation. I love travelling and seeing the world, but I don’t think I’d want to travel around aimlessly for 4 and a half months again, probably one month at a time of ‘travelling around’ tops and if I wanted to be overseas for longer than that, it would be set up in a certain area. Sometimes identifying happiness is the hardest step of all. It’s the paradox of happiness, you don’t always know what it’s going to look like.

Cairns

 

Just a couple of photos from a recent trip to Cairns

Barron Falls

The Great Barrier Reef

Ellis Beach

Back to Blogging

Ok, so disregard that last post.

I miss blogging. Over that 6 month it really became quite a lifeline for me. This blog originally started as my means of coping through a hard time and now that I am out of it, it didn’t seem much point, but I was wrong. It’s good to reflect on the good times as well as the neutral times, it’s good to get my head around things before I get to a stage where I am swamped emotionally again. I almost think blogging makes me look at the world in a more present sense and it’s effects extend onto the world outside my laptop, adds that extra layer of meaning to life that I sometimes feel I am lacking.

Since my last post in July, quite a bit has happened.

- I passed the probationary stage of my job and now officially a full time worker with a full set of worker’s rights. (I also have accumulated over 2 weeks annual leave)

- Which in turn means I have started to plan a trip, but the planning stages are pretty vague at the moment as I haven’t quite narrowed down a contienent yet. (there’s a few in the mix)

- I have done a bit of travelling in my own country. In the last couple of months I have been to Brisbane, Melbourne, Fremantle and Cairns. I’ve been kayaking up the Swan River in Perth, Snorkelling in the Great Barrier Reef, seeing extended family and having many local brews. I am also going to New Zealand for a quick trip at the end of the year. The plan is to go Bungee Jumping, but this may change to zip lining instead. More of a view that way.

 

The Blog Days Are Over

I debated in my head whether I wanted to write this post or not. Whether I wanted to keep this blog open incase I ever needed it again. But that is just the thing. I no longer need it or get anything out of it anymore. It has dawned on me. I am happy. There is nothing left to achieve with it and whilst I will always have something to say, I think that was this blogs point. To show myself that I have opinions and that I have points of view. My points of view matter and my wants and needs matter, no more than anyone else, but no less either. This blog has been a journey to find out who I am and whilst I will always have more to know about myself, it feels like time to close it down and learn in a different way.

The more I thought about writing this, the more it felt right. This blog is done everything I was hoping it would do, but a lot more to. I literally wrote my way out of depression and back to mental health. Looking back at the time when I lost my sanity and had a nervous breakdown. I was a completely different person and I have to say that I am ridiculously proud of myself from getting to where I have gotten in the short time that I did. Whilst I will never be glad that the experience happened, it’s been a significant factor in making me who I am today, someone who I am really proud to be. Like a good wise friend of mine that I really look up to recently said to me,’ it’s character building, your stronger and better for it, and by god you will never ever be in a situation like that again.’ And she’s right. I won’t be. I’ve learnt to much to ever be. It’s all behind me now.I’m stronger and more self-assured than I could have ever hoped to be. I’m tougher and more worldly, more independent and focused and I have become the person I wanted to be. More calm,easy-going and less prone to stress. I trust that the universe will put me where I am meant to be.

Thank you to anyone that ever wrote or comments or followed this. I appreciate it. Mostly I want to thank the people who validated my story. That made me realise I wasn’t being weak or complaining. There are so many people out there that have the same story that I do, talking to you all and sharing stories with you was like a light at the end of the tunnel. That was the hardest part of being isolated with someone like I was, you don’t have anyone to validate your experiences with until your around normal sane people again and you realise what kind of crazy, insane shit was imposed on you and you realise that your mental health is in a bad place for a reason. That it’s not you. Life will never get that bad again, no one will ever be able to convince me I am crazy or weak or anything else again, I am past all that shit, I know who I am.

As for travelling again. Lately I have thought a lot about travelling again, but I have just gotten an amazing job which I love and is such an amazing opportunity. It took a long time for someone to believe in me and give me a break. The people I work for believe in me, I can feel that they do, I don’t want to let them down, I want to do well at this job and that is my goal for now. Industrial Relation Law’s was never something I thought I’d work in, but I love it so far. It’s interesting, technical, complicated and ever changing.  But I am still young and still believe that I can have it all, so whilst I won’t be going on any long trips anytime soon, I have some pretty exciting ideas for semi distant future. But not plans, because one of the biggest lessons this whole experience has taught me is to live in the moment. When the moment is right, I’ll know it. Until then I will continue to be the hopeless dreamer that I always was, looking forward without forgetting the past. Focus on all the exciting times in front of me and not all the crushed dreams behind me. I will no doubt blog again in the future, especially if I do my travel ‘ideas’.

Alexander Chambers once said, “The three grand essentials of happiness are: Something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. I have all these things. What more could I ever want.

Bus Etiquette

Lately I have been so busy with work that this blog has taken a real nosedive. With long work weeks, long commutes and being attacked  by the mother of all flu’s has made me super exhausted and super boring. And this post is about to prove it.

Something that has really been bothering me the two month or so (pretty much since I started full time work) is the lack of understanding of Bus Etiquette the average person on the daily commute has. Perhaps they are so use to this commute and the terrible practises of others that they have all those their way of understanding how to be a decent human being whilst riding a bus but I am going to write the unwritten laws of bus etiquette. Let this be your guide.

1. Stand up for Pregnant ladies, ladies with prams and anybody less abled than yourself really – I really shouldn’t have to write this one. EVERYONE should have enough common sense as to know this golden rule. But alas, experience has shown me people do not. The other week I witnessed a lady attempt to stand up whilst holding herself and her pram upright (that takes some serious balance and calf muscles) whilst the bus driver spoke to her telling her that she better hold on tight. Poor women, if I wasn’t on the back seat I would have given my seat up, but it was shocking that no one in the pram/wheelchair section of the bus would get up.

2. If you are the first person on the seat, move to the window. – The window seat is better anyone for one major reason, you can have an awesome commuting snooze to and from work, I love the window seat, however I do not ‘love’ having to climb over rude people who can’t move over because they want the aisle seat so much. Deal with the window seat or stand up so I can get to the superior position suckers.

3. If your on the aisle seat and a free seat becomes available, move to the free seat – I understand that I have to be jammed up against the window if there are no free seats. You want to seat down and if the only spots are next to people, sure go right ahead, but if a free seat opens up, move there. Don’t make me climb over you for the free seat and do not, (i repeat do not) seat next to me with EVERY other seat on the bus empty. Must I be forced against the window, unable to cross my legs for the best part of an hour because your to lazy to arse shuffle one metre.

4. If someone on the window seat is trying to get off the bus and you are in the aisle seat, get up for them! – Omg! my worst pet hate. Seriously, the gap between your legs and the seat is miniscle. Get up so I don’t have to climb over you, and no, moving your legs to the side is not good enough, your body is still in the way. When people do this to me, I make no effort to make sure my bag doesn’t hit them in the face, and it’s their fucking fault when it inevitably does.

The bus is for everyone, think of others and have some common sense whilst riding the bus.

 

 

Dealing with Difficult People

In my past relationships, in my social circle and in my line of work, I have dealt with a lot of difficult people. Some situations and difficult people I have handle really well and some situations and difficult people I have handled terribly and in a toxic fashion. Dealing with difficult people, however is an invitablity and my job teaches me about dealing with people every day. However for those who don’t have as much hands on experience, this article from Psychology Today magazine is really helpful.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201204/the-high-art-handling-problem-people

The not-so Winter Blues.

I love Summer. I live for Summer. Summer is my absolute favourite time of year. Beaches, swimming, summer fashion, warm nights out, sunsets. Being June, the fair majority of the Western World is enjoying all these things, however not me and all my friends Southern Hemisphere friends. In the 6 plus months of being in the bloggersphere I have been coming more intune to the happenings of everyday people from all around the world and lately I have been made painfully aware that there are plenty of people out there enjoying the sunshine. (don’t worry, I will have my payback come December time, lying on a beautiful Sydney beach) But this year I am attempting to embrace Winter. Usually winter I go into hibanation, just like bears. But this year will be different, I promise, (said as I write this from my bed). Here is my list of all the things I am looking forward to about Winter.

1. Winter Fashion – I’ve been told that I don’t like Winter because I don’t know how to dress for it. When a discussion came up about the fact I am 23 and purchasing my first thick winter coat ever, I realised this may just be true. (What, I usually dont go outside in Winter) So this year I am embracing Winter fashion. Overcoats, thick leggings, scarves, gloves, beanies are now all things I own and will wear on a regular basis. I now walk to work like an eskimo, but hey, at least I am toast warm and outside.

2. Peppermint Tea – As someone who doesn’t drink tea or coffee (still waiting for those tastebubs to mature) it is usually hard to find something to endulge in daily. But peppermint tea has now become my winter staple. Put a little sugar in it and it’s like drinking a candy cane. Yum Yum Yum.

3. Electric Blanket – Sorry environment, but I couldn’t live without it. It’s even on as I type this. I have to admit that graph on ‘An Inconvient Truth’ showing the variations between Northern and Southern Hemispheres impact on the environment actually made me feel better, the Southern Hemisphere isn’t doing so bad.

4. Soup and Casseroles – And many other warm, tasty comfort foods. My doctor has been telling me to gain weight for weights, I feel this winter it may be inevitable.

So enjoy your Sunshine and summer holidays my Northern Hemispherian friends, I will be attempting to be walking in a Winter Wonderland.