A Single Year

As a serial monogamous, this year has been an interesting one. I’m a relationships kind of person and when I found myself out of one, I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I have now been single for well over a year.  After 2 relationships under my belt by the age of 22, I realized I probably needed some time of from that emotion. Sometimes I look around at my peers who go from one partner to the other and think, ‘do you actually like these people or can you just not handle being alone?’ and then one day I looked into that painful soul-reflecting mirror without any cover-up and thought ‘could I be one of those girls?’  Was I in the trap of fear of being alone waiting for a knight to come save me?

 After a few months of being single I also realised that I had spent the majority of my coming to age years, finding myself whilst not being by myself and questioned whether I really knew me at all (it was an existential kind of day) These are the things I’ve learnt to love and learnt to appreciate  during my new-found ‘single not looking’ status (okay there was some looking)

1. Freedom – When your single your free to see and do whatever you want without really having any consequences or thinking about anyone else when making that decision. I can make plans at the drop of a hat, book random weekends away, take up every offer that friends make without considering anyone elses time, schedule or thoughts on the matter. As long as your selfish attitude isn’t effecting anyones else life, then it’s not really selfish right? Well this is what I tell myself anyway. Your selfish years are limited. But then there is also this other side to the freedom that I didn’t even realise I didn’t have. Emotional freedom. I had not made a choice for years without considering someone else. It’s only since being single that I’ve realised how much my relationships have influenced choices I have made that have shaped my life. The last year, my life has changed dramatically through some choice I have made. I feel these are more real and more me when your not thinking of two.

2. Going to Things Alone (it can be kind of awesome) – There’s something quite liberating about doing things alone. Whilst I wouldn’t want to do every activity for the rest of my life alone, I have to admit I am enjoying my own company on little adventures more than I thought I would. There is also something quite liberating about going out with a huge group of couples where you’re the only single person and feeling quite comfortable with the whole experience. As someone who’s been every kind of odd wheeled number under the sun and enjoy it, I feel I can own this independent thing now. As someone incredibly shy and introverted, not having that safety blanket does you wonders.

3.No, fewer men dramas -  Ok so we still have some men dramas, the guy we gave our number to that didn’t call (this one guy went so far out of his way to get my number , why bother if he wasn’t going to use it anyway, I must have given it to him wrong, but no, I did triple check it, he must be dead, that’s the only logical explanation, what do you think 1 million female friends and probably a few male friends too that I am obviously going to discuss this with incessantly?) or then worse, the guy that did text me and 30 texts later  wish you had been too drunk to type your number properly; but this is about as gloriously uncomplicated as it gets.

4. Not missing anyone – At one point, I was in a long distance relationship, I lived a life of constant longing for someone. Whilst at the time naive little me believed some Disney quote about it being better to have someone to miss then not to have someone at all. Maybe I am getting cold in my old age, but this is a load of codswallop.  Not missing anyone is brilliant. Missing someone can be crippling and all-consuming and not in the way Carrie Bradshaw envisioned it. I feel like a shmuck for saying that, but this is true. Missing someone can be so consuming that it clouds everything. Suddenly massive life opportunities become less wonderful, because you’ll miss someone. I’m not saying not to take massive life opportunity or break up with someone so as to not to miss them, cause that won’t work, but it is nice to be free from the cripplingness of missing someone.

5 More time – In all that time that I’m not either sitting around waiting for someone to call or seeing boring movies I never wanted to see anyway, I suddenly have more time to get things done. More time for family and more time for friends and more time me.

6. More social circles that are your own - With all these extra free time, you have more time to invest in your social circles, new and old. Whilst having a partner can introduce you into a new social circle, this social circle never really feels like something your completely included in. You’ll always be on the outside. I’ve spent a lot of this year (with a lot of help) developing old friendships and creating new ones.

7. The longer I am single, the more comfortable I get with it, the less likely I’m going to give it up for just anyone – This post makes it seem like I’ve moved to single-town and I don’t want to return. That’s not entirely true. But the more comfortable you are with being single, the more choosy you get with who you’d be willing to give up all these benefits for. For any girl in their early 20′s, this is only a good thing.

Since I am a seasoned expert…

at getting through a break up, I thought I would write a little survival guide for getting through. In the last 5 years I have had two fairly serious relationships, both ending in tears, lots of tears. And I am only 22. Think of all that extra heartbreak I still have ahead of me too. Its heartbreaking really. But here is my list of stages of getting through the break up in one piece.

Stage 1. – Cry and Cry and Cry- This stage should not be avoided, as someone once said to me, you have to work through it not around it. That goes for most things in life, but even more right now. Feel your pain, eat shitloads of comfort food and watch sappy rom coms whilst listening to Adele. Get it out of your system.

Stage 2. – Get angry, Anger is a healthy emotion in a small amount, but you were hurt and that is something to be angry about. Whilst you are there, concentrate on all the things you didn’t like about your relationship, I’m sure there is lots. Think of their flaws, everyone has flaws. This is not the time for lovely memories and what if’s.

Stage 3. Getting out of the house – This must be done eventually. See friends, family and get out in the world again. If your still emotional best to avoid the grog, cause that will put you right back at stage one. But be part of the world again. The world isn’t so bad. Whilst you are there, get as much support as you need from family and friends, they love you, so they will want to help you. It’s not a burden. I never mind listening to this stuff for my friends and family.

Stage 4 – Re evaluate your life. The dream is to find someone and be with them forever right. So doesn’t that mean you will quite possibly spend most of your life in a relationship. That makes single time seem quite precious doesn’t it. Enjoy being on your own. This is the perfect opportunity to see what you want for your own life and go out and get it. Right now I am still in the process of getting over someone, with no job and an education. This is a huge opportunity in my life to lead my life in a completely different and better direction. Its exciting right. Now is the time to do and try new things and develop your passions that are solely about you.

Stage 5 – When the initial hard bit of the break up is over, you need to have an honest think with yourself. Where you truly 100% happy? Where there things in your relationship that made you miserable. This is the stage I am up to at the moment personally where I am truly seeing how unhappy I was at times and how there were things my ex did that I put up with, that I really wouldn’t want to put up with forever. For example, in almost 2 years, I really felt like I had made a huge effort to be involved in his interests, the music he liked, the activites he liked, I tried to be as encouraging and supportive as I could be whilst being honest as well. However looking back I don’t think I ever really got this in return. My ex didn’t even know my major and sub major of my degree a couple of months before we split, let alone my favourite songs or having any interest in listening to music I liked that he didn’t know, whilst he did this for lots of other people. He took on others interests but never really wanted to explore mine, I’m not 100% he really knew what they were.

My ex also lacked understanding of me not wanting to be left alone at parties were I didn’t know anyone. I often would stand at the food table alone or pretend to need to go to the bathroom more then I really had to (which I realise now, possibly would have looked really weird to the outside world lol) rather then try and include me in conversations or parts of groups. I realise there is a skill to that, but he is quite a shy person to, and I never left him alone places, or I would try and include him in the conversation when I could. I always found it a bit hypocritical actually.

My ex also put pretty much everyone before me a lot of the time. This was really hard to stomach when I felt I put him first always. Other people would always take priority over me and he seemed eager to win others over. Perhaps he didn’t really have to try to win me over, so effort wasn’t really needed. But either way that always hurt like hell, his desperation to have others like him, but he never really cared how I felt about him. I don’t know. The more I look at it, the more unhealthy it really does sound. As you can see writing this is about helping me too, but chances are if you and your old flame didn’t work out, there was probably some really valid reasons.

 

These are just a couple of examples of things I feel like I was putting up with that ideally in life, I hopefully won’t have too.

Stage 5 is good to make you realise what you want from life and from a partner and so you don’t make the same mistakes again.

The Positive

I’m not saying that break up’s are easy. They are anything but. The rollercoaster of emotions and trials has been really hard but really rewarding at the same time. Lately things in life have started to seem a lot clearer and a new life is starting to approach. Some days are good and others are not so good, but I know I will be ok and that it all happened for a reason, even if all those reasons do not seem clear sometimes. Someday I am sure they will. But these are some of the positives of being a single 22-year-old girl living in Sydney, Australia.

1.) I’m in charge – I have complete control of my life right now. I get to have a complete say over where I live, what I want to do with my life and time. And it’s not being selfish, because I don’t have anyone else I have to consider at the moment. My life is mine.

2.) I can make more spontaneous plans – In every sense of the word, I can take random weekend plans without checking someone elses schedule, trying to fit them in. I can accept more invitations and offers. I’m seeing a lot of old friends and spending more time hanging out with people who I didn’t get to hang out with so much whilst being in a relationship. But it’s not only these plans, right now I am looking for a job. But if I don’t get one soon that I like, I’m going to India or Vietnam. Then to visit my brother in Fremantle. No one to miss, worry about or any reason not to do all these things.

3.) I have more downtime – After travelling for almost 5 months on the go, I am loving the downtime and free ‘me time’ in which I can fill with doing whatever I want. I am back to reading all the true crime stories I use to spend hours reading, more time researching psychology in which I love and more time to think and contemplate what it is that I truly want from my life.Not to mention the hours of television and movies I missed whilst being away.

4.) I am seeing old friends again – I have had some really fun nights out lately with friends I have known for about ten years. They are mostly guys from my high school and its great to just hang out, muck around and feel like ‘one of the boys again’ these guys plus my other friends have always taken such good care of me and make me feel important, special and like part of something and it is great to have more time to spend with them and to be back home to spend time with them.

5.) I get to flirt- Everyone loves a good flirt, and I no longer have to feel guilt or get rid of attention from other men. I can embrace it. (and I think I remember how to flirt, its been a while)

6.) I get lonely, but I am less lonely – Sometimes lately I have been having this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I did consider my ex not only to be my boyfriend but one of my greatest friends. I do feel like I have lost something important to me, but if he was so important then I have to wonder ‘where is he’ Important people don’t leave when the going gets tough, important people don’t leave you because you have depression. When the loneliness hits, at least now I have a long line of people to call. I have the best family and lately I have really started to realise just how many great friends I truly have. There are so many people in my life that care so much about me and who I truly care about, how can someone feel lonely when they have all that. The situation I was in at the end of the relationship was without a doubt the loneliest and most isolating of my life. Things can only be better.

7.) Dancing – lately, some days I wake up and the only thing I want to do is put on Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night’ and dance and dance and dance.  Recently some days I can’t stop my feet from dancing  Shit, I think I am happy again!

The Break Up Effect

This may just be me. But does anyone else feel there strongest after getting out of a relationship that wasn’t working? Don’t get me wrong, the first weeks are hard, difficult and faced with a lot of self reflection. What happened, how did it get like this? How did I get like this? Where did my confidence go? But after the initial hard bit it over, I just end up feeling more alive. Is that just moving on? I’m still young and learning so maybe everyone feels like this. Like they are born again and ready to take on the world.

Don’t get me wrong, it will be years before I let another guy in or trust another guy and I doubt I will ever be as trusting as I was before again. To much in me has changed. But is it normal to feel this good after a break up. Like possibly better then I’ve ever felt before. Alive and free. I thought relationships were meant to make your life better, but then why I am so much stronger and more confident, more myself alone.

It is kind of scary actually. I don’t want to be alone forever. Some day in the distant future, I would like someone. But what if you can never have someone and be completely happy and confident and self assured if you have someone.

Is this just me?

Do we all just want to be rescued? or do we want to be the rescuer?

After watching old re-runs of Sex and the City yesterday, (unemployment is getting a bit old, hurry up new job, I can’t believe how excited I am to start you) I watched the episode where Carrie Bradshaw pondered the phrase all single independant girls apparently think but know not to say. Are we all damselled in destresses just waiting to be rescued?

After pondering this statement to myself I realised that this didn’t really seem to apply  to me at all, looking back I can’t really think what my exes have really saved me from. Then it kind of hit me.

I seem to have some compulsive need to be the rescuer. Looking back at my failed relationships, the guys seem to be the ones that needed saving, or at least I would work better when they did. If I ever needed rescuing all hell would break lose. But why do I have to fix problems all the time? Why do I feel the need to compulsively help. I use the term help loosely because whilst I always know my intentions were pure, should I have just stopped trying and everything else would have been ok? By constantly supporting these guys, I probably wasn’t really helping anyway. I certainly wasn’t helping myself.

From now on, I’m only rescuing myself.

Back on the Horse?

So the other day I was sitting in a coffee shop, I was alone, reading my book when this guy approached me. He was cute, nice eyes and asked if he could join me cause he was alone too. Sure I said, I wasn’t against having any company. Turns out he was funny too. Eventually it got to the stage where he asked for my number. I hesitate.

You see, I’ve just got out of a relationship that I was pretty serious about and this situation brought me back to a conversation I was having with my friends last saturday night. As I am not the only one going through a break up the conversation of how best to deal with a break up came up. My friends all have very different opinions of how one should go about the next stage of ones life.

Friends A believes that the best way to get over a relationship is to get straight back on the horse. There is no point waiting around to get over the last guy, if its over why waste anymore time. A serious relationship is the way to go.

Friend B believes that a relationship now would be too soon, but finding men for casual flings would be a more appropriate option. Don’t put your heart out there, but putting your body out there is fine.

Friend C believes that dating lots of guys, all not seriously would be the way to go, almost as if dating was the same as trying on clothes, ‘try him on and see if you like him’

and Friend D, good old wise friend D believes the best way to go about the next phase of your life is to be single and love it. I always liked friend D.

At the end of the day, from this conversation I realised that you can’t judge others for how they deal with this situation, because at the end of the day there is no right or wrong way to get through a break up. Break ups hurt, there is no way around that. I politely refused this guys offer because  for now I know the best option for me is just to be single and love it. As George Michael once said, you need some time off from that emotion, time to pick your heart up off the floor. And when the time and the guy is right, I won’t want to hesitiate.

Imagine courtesy of Horseclipart.com

http://www.horseclipart.com/horse_clipart_images/funny_looking_cartoon_horse_drawing_0521-1006-2722-1237.html