Today I went to Sydney city with my mum for a nice day of shopping.
It wasn’t the most relaxing of occasions. About 20 mins before we left, I had a phone interview. It obviously went well because I got a call back saying I got to the next round and that I was scheduled in for a 9am interview. Great I thought, they would send me an email with all the details. Over an hour later they ring me again to tell me my email address is invalid (umm no it isn’t, I’ve been getting emails all day and sending them just fine) so they have no way of sending me the information. She gives me her email but of course she has a really hard name to remember and I have no way of writing it down. I call her again to let her know I don’t know where the offices are because it is not on there website and now I found out that it is in an almost impossible location. During all this, I have to cancel a dinner with my best friend as I needed time to print all my bits and bobs (resume, referees numbers, written references) all this got pretty stressful, pretty fast and really highlighted to me how much I just can’t handle stress sometimes. As this is happening, I am walking past the American Consultant building and then I am brought back to feeling exactly how I felt the last time I was in that exact place.
Before I went on my trip overseas with my now ex-boyfriend, I had a really stressful ordeal. We were meant to go to Europe for 3 and a bit months then on to the USA for at least 6. But I got my passport back from the American consultant a couple of days before my flight and it didn’t have my visa in it. It had someone elses visa in it. Someone named Emily (Nicole and Emily couldn’t be much different) and me and Emily couldn’t have looked any more different. Not only did I not have my own Visa, but without this corrected, I looked as if I was committing identity fraud. At this point so many thoughts were circling through my head. If I didn’t get this fixed in time I was either going to have to stay in Australia and miss my flight to Europe, to go to America. Or I wouldn’t be able to do the American section at all. If I did try to get this fixed, would I get my passport in time for my flight. The american consultant was anything but helpful and after this whole ordeal I got a miniscule apology. I had so many thoughts though, I didn’t want my boyfriend at the time to miss out on america because of this and I knew that if he did he would resent me forever, but that doesn’t mean that I wanted to be at home whilst he lived our trip by himself. I didn’t trust that he would choice me over the trip anyway. It was horrible and stressful and I didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t know if I would get any part or only half of the trip that I had been planning for so long. My now ex-boyfriend was trying to be supportive I guess. He came and helped me fix it. But in hindsight, now I see what was missing. Empathy. He basically told me all the time that I was overreacting. He couldn’t understand why I was so stressed. I couldn’t understand how he didn’t understand why I was so stressed. My plans that were set in stone for so long that I was so excited about, were all of a sudden completely up in the air. Whilst he tried to be helpful, without empathy or understanding, your going through everything alone. Because I was so scared about everything not working out, I didn’t want to face people before I went. I couldn’t have the conversations with everyone telling me it would be okay, because no one really could do or say anything to make the situation seem different. So I ended up not seeing my friends before I went. I also had this nice day planned with my mum before I left, that got rained all over because I spent a large chunk of that day at the American consultant (literally running through the building) to get my visa and to get to the show (Hairspray) that we had bought tickets to a long time ago.
I’m not saying that my ex-boyfriend wasn’t right. It did all work out, but at the time I really didn’t know that it would and the consequences of it not were huge and all the plans that I had for life were right there, in some consultant worker who didn’t give a shits hands.
It was only a couple of weeks ago that my ex-boyfriend pointed out to me how ridculously stressed I was about this. How he worried that I was to weak to handle travelling (I’m not the one that cried day one of travelling, twice) I know you can’t expect anyone who is narcissistic to ever see anything from your point of view. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck. All I needed was for him to understand me, to understand why I was stressed and validate my feelings (which everyone else was doing for me), not tell me I was being ridculous and over the top. Apparently that is a strong trait of narcissism, to tell everyone else that they were overreacting and overly sensitive and not be aware of the feelings and needs of others. But I guess, after all this time, he still doesn’t have any empathy for me then and will never have any empathy for anything surrounding me in the future. I often wonder how things would have gone down if someone elses visa was in his passport rather than mine.
Coming back from this trip early, because I had a break down, my ex told me that he had to sit around for 4 months before he went back to university because I wasn’t mentally sound, and my mental breakdown had made him miss out on so much. Not only was it my fault I had a break down, but he was going to do everything he could to make me feel guilty about it as well. But 4 months later, after missing out on so much, I am still unemployed waiting around, because he has narcissistic problems. Oh the irony.