Just one of those days

Today I went to Sydney city with my mum for a nice day of shopping.

It wasn’t the most relaxing of occasions. About 20 mins before we left, I had a phone interview. It obviously went well because I got a call back saying I got to the next round and that I was scheduled in for a 9am interview. Great I thought, they would send me an email with all the details. Over an hour later they ring me again to tell me my email address is invalid (umm no it isn’t, I’ve been getting emails all day and sending them just fine) so they have no way of sending me the information. She gives me her email but of course she has a really hard name to remember and I have no way of writing it down. I call her again to let her know I don’t know where the offices are because it is not on there website and now I found out that it is in an almost impossible location. During all this, I have to cancel a dinner with my best friend as I needed time to print all my bits and bobs (resume, referees numbers, written references) all this got pretty stressful, pretty fast and really highlighted to me how much I just can’t handle stress sometimes. As this is happening, I am walking past the American Consultant building and then I am brought back to feeling exactly how I felt the last time I was in that exact place.

Before I went on my trip overseas with my now ex-boyfriend, I had a really stressful ordeal. We were meant to go to Europe for 3 and a bit months then on to the USA for at least 6. But I got my passport back from the American consultant a couple of days before my flight and it didn’t have my visa in it. It had someone elses visa in it. Someone named Emily (Nicole and Emily couldn’t be much different) and me and Emily couldn’t have looked any more different. Not only did I not have my own Visa, but without this corrected, I looked as if I was committing identity fraud. At this point so many thoughts were circling through my head. If I didn’t get this fixed in time I was either going to have to stay in Australia and miss my flight to Europe, to go to America. Or I wouldn’t be able to do the American section at all. If I did try to get this fixed, would I get my passport in time for my flight. The american consultant was anything but helpful and after this whole ordeal I got a miniscule apology. I had so many thoughts though, I didn’t want my boyfriend at the time to miss out on america because of this and I knew that if he did he would resent me forever, but that doesn’t mean that I wanted to be at home whilst he lived our trip by himself. I didn’t trust that he would choice me over the trip anyway. It was horrible and stressful and I didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t know if I would get any part or only half of the trip that I had been planning for so long. My now ex-boyfriend was trying to be supportive I guess. He came and helped me fix it. But in hindsight, now I see what was missing. Empathy. He basically told me all the time that I was overreacting. He couldn’t understand why I was so stressed. I couldn’t understand how he didn’t understand why I was so stressed. My plans that were set in stone for so long that I was so excited about, were all of a sudden completely up in the air. Whilst he tried to be helpful, without empathy or understanding, your going through everything alone. Because I was so scared about everything not working out, I didn’t want to face people before I went. I couldn’t have the conversations with everyone telling me it would be okay, because no one really could do or say anything to make the situation seem different. So I ended up not seeing my friends before I went. I also had this nice day planned with my mum before I left, that got rained all over because I spent a large chunk of that day at the American consultant (literally running through the building) to get my visa and to get to the show (Hairspray) that we had bought tickets to a long time ago.

I’m not saying that my ex-boyfriend wasn’t right. It did all work out, but at the time I really didn’t know that it would and the consequences of it not were huge and all the plans that I had for life were right there, in some consultant worker who didn’t give a shits hands.

It was only a couple of weeks ago that my ex-boyfriend pointed out to me how ridculously stressed I was about this. How he worried that I was to weak to handle travelling (I’m not the one that cried day one of travelling, twice) I know you can’t expect anyone who is narcissistic to ever see anything from your point of view. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck. All I needed was for him to understand me, to understand why I was stressed and validate my feelings (which everyone else was doing for me), not tell me I was being ridculous and over the top. Apparently that is a strong trait of narcissism, to tell everyone else that they were overreacting and overly sensitive and not be aware of the feelings and needs of others. But I guess, after all this time, he still doesn’t have any empathy for me then and will never have any empathy for anything surrounding me in the future. I often wonder how things would have gone down if someone elses visa was in his passport rather than mine.

Coming back from this trip early, because I had a break down, my ex told me that he had to sit around for 4 months before he went back to university because I wasn’t mentally sound, and my mental breakdown had made him miss out on so much. Not only was it my fault I had a break down, but he was going to do everything he could to make me feel guilty about it as well. But 4 months later, after missing out on so much, I am still unemployed waiting around, because he has narcissistic problems. Oh the irony.

What would you do with one million dollars?

When I talked to a friend about how to get over someone and stop thinking about them, they told me I needed a distraction. However sometimes I find it hard to distract myself when the thoughts about the ex-boyfriend comes up. I needed something else to think about. A concrete unrelated question to ask myself.So my friend suggested to think about ‘what would you do with one million dollars.’ Now every time thoughts of the ex-boyfriend comes up, instead of ‘I want to talk to him’,’ I miss him’ or ‘I want him back’ I dream about some big thought out plan if I were ever to have a million dollars dropped on my letterbox. As unconventional as it sounds, it somewhat works. (more than a lot of things I have tried.) The last couple of days it has worked enough for me to not send any emails or text that I would have regretted.

So what would I do with one million dollars. I’d go on a family trip with my mum, dad and brother (and I spose his girlfriend, it’s ridculous how practical and pragmatic my fantasy are sometimes) I’d take us somewhere we have all never been before. Perhaps Canada. Perhaps Vietnam. Perhaps New Zealand. The last family holiday we all took all 4 of us was almost 8 years ago. My brother and I just kind of go to old for them and our school holidays was spent more with friends. But I do miss all the wonderful memories of our family trips when we were younger. It would be lovely to relive those memories again.

So all you broken hearted people out there, What would you do with one million dollars?

Dealing with my Emotions Non – Rationally

Since coming home after a big ordeal overseas, I was quick and proactive about getting better. My ex boyfriend told me there was something wrong with me and I needed help. The plane I came home in probably didn’t even have time to refuel before I hit the doctors to profess all my problems and character flaws I had and tried to tie them to something wrong with me. I was given anti depressants for my anxiety attacks, but told that because it was so soon after coming back, that I could wait if I wanted, to see if the changed situation would make things better. But nah I thought, my now ex-boyfriend told me I had to get help and I didn’t want to wait, I wanted to be better and prove to him that I wasn’t crazy.

3 months on and I’m not crazy. Med’s gave me a clear head to work this out. They made me less emotionally involved and attached. They gave me a clear head so I could see all that my ex boyfriend had manipulated me to see about myself and to see him for how he truly was and see that how he treated me was terrible, not acceptable.

Now I am off medication. It took me a little while to ween off them. But now I am off them. Unfortunately and fortunately, it has made me more emotional. Don’t get me wrong, I needed to get that clear headspace at the time, even if I did hastly start taking them for all the wrong reasons. But it appears now, that there are a lot of feelings that I didn’t feel before, that meds blocked out, that I have to deal with now. It in a sense has prolonged me moving on by blocking out these feelings. 3 months later and I have to deal with them now.

Today I am feeling a lot of angry and saddness. Anger for everything I went through, everything he did to me and everything I missed out on. I am apply for jobs now to get my life back on track, think about my career some more. But really I want to run overseas again, but that won’t be an option for a while. I can’t just work a couple of months and fleet off again. I will have to stay grounded at least a year from getting a job if not more, to get the experience I can use to get the next job and so on. Also a lot of regret. I wish I never got on that plane to New York with him and just finished my trip in Europe on my own. It’s not his fault I didn’t do that. It’s mine.

Ponderings about Love

I’m not sure what it was, but last night I found myself in tears telling my mum just how bad things got overseas between me and my ex-boyfriend. I have spoken to my mum about it before, many times, but I think it was the first time I have ever really let her see how much all of it has effected me. Just how much my thoughts were manipulated by him and what he convinced me I was worth. By the end mum was crying too.

I’m not sure why it upset me so much last night, perhaps because of valentines day though more likely because of being hormonal and to my body adjusting again to being off medication. I was told to expect some moments like this. I am a highly sensitive person.

My views on love got really screwed up and now 3 months on, I am trying to figure out what is healthy and what is not when it co mes to relationships and what better day to do this then today, Valentines Day, the day all about love and relationships.

1.) My ex boyfriend told me that compromising wasn’t a good idea and when you compromise, everyone’s unhappy. The better way to live was for one person to be completely happy and the other to completely lose out. Funnily enough, the person always losing out was me. But I no longer am going to let his warped views on life shape mine. Compromise is the only way to make a relationship work. Both sides need to have the ability to compromise. Compromise can make both sides happy.

2.) My ex boyfriend convinced me that in a relationship, you should just take care of yourself and you should just expect your partner to take care of themselves as well. Everyone takes care of themselves and it will all work out. Whilst I am not disagreeing that you should take care of yourself, but if you are only going to take care of yourself then why be in a relationship at all. Taking care of your partner is just as important if not more important than taking care of yourself. That was the problem, I was taking care of him and he was taking care of him. Who was taking care of me?

3.) Communication is key. My ex was terrible at listening to me or empathizing with how I felt. He didn’t have the ability to empathise with me. I needed someone to listen and to understand, not to yell and blame me for everything. Communication is essential.

4.) A couple of nights ago, one of my close male friends talked about how much his girlfriend put up with him and did for him and cared for him. He was surprised she put up with so much, but was so grateful towards her. My other friend turned to me and said, god I put up with a lot more than that. I said to her ‘me too’ but don’t you get it, that’s the difference, he appreciates that his girlfriend does a lot for him and that’s why it works. Some appreciation is key.

5.) Respect is essential. Any time I expressed any of my wants or needs to my ex partner, he accused me of manipulating him. Everytime I wanted something different to him, he said I was just manipulating him and he wasn’t going to be manipulated. Eventually it got to the stage where I felt like wanting or needing anything that was different to what he wanted was me being manipulative. But now I see that, it was his lack of respect for me that was the problem, not me having wants or needs. Respect is key.

Relearning about love is something I never thought I would have to do, but I will get my old perspective about love back one day.

The Signs were there Day One

This coming saturday will be my birthday. It will also be the would be anniversary with my now ex-boyfriend. Despite what you may think, I am actually kind of glad this would be event falls on my birthday, since the 11th of Feb has been my birthday (as well as my parent’s wedding anniversary) for a lot longer than it has been in relation to anything to do with him.

Thinking back to when we got together on this fateful birthday of mine, it’s actually really scary the signs of narcissism that presented themselves even then, that I blindly ignored in my smitteness.

He was in a different continent to me at the time, in America on student exchange but for the last 5 months we had been skyping at least every second day. He was meant to call me at 4:30pm on my birthday, before I went out to celebrate my birthday that night. He however never showed up to our skype date. Eventually I was in tears (god this story makes me sound like the biggest idiot seeing as well all know that I obviously forgave him and decided to become more serious with him) and sent him a message saying I was pissed off he stood me up on my birthday and it was just one day to put me first.

But instead he chose watching a movie with friends, when he realised he had made a mistake, I genuinely believe he now realised he made a mistake. He said to me that he put off calling me until later because he thought during the day, that if he did this stuff with his friends first, he would have more time to actually talk and spend with me on my birthday. But even if that is true, I said to him, it’s my birthday, did you honestly think I didn’t have better things to do than sit around and wait for you, and that I didn’t spend my birthdays sitting alone by myself. Did he not think it was possible I had plans of my own and a life that evolved around more than just him.

When saying this to him, he said he realised he didn’t think. But now I see, that its Narcissism. He isn’t capable of thinking outside himself or being in anyone elses shoes. It was in my face from day one.

This Saturday will be a great celebration of my 23rd year of life and my parents 28 years of marriage.

Realities of Travelling with a Partner.

I know in writing this, I will possibly be a bit biased and the point of me writing this post is not to discourage anyone from travelling with their partner. Travelling with your partner I am told can bring you closer together and make your relationship strong as you take on all the challenges together. It however comes with many certain realities that one must realise before taking this step. This is from the point of view from someone who it didn’t work out for. Reading blogs before I went was all from the point of view of partners that successfully travelled together, but there is much to be learnt from partners that did it and didn’t really live on to tell the tale.

I must warn you… this isn’t a love story.

• The first reality is that you are going to see them everyday. Whilst this might seem like a lovely thought now, when you are tired, grumpy and just want some alone time, they are there, still. Even worse, when they are tired and grumpy or worse in my exes case; hungry. Knowing their limits as well as your own is very important.
• Secondly, if you are combining meeting friends and family members overseas, if at all possible, try and keep it mutual. I can say after spending a fair chuck of my 4 and a half month trip with my exes family and friends and a total of 3 days with mine, that it can get a bit overbearing.
• Thirdly, if you are in your young 20′s and wanting to meet people, I can safely say that you will meet very few people. If you are one of those couples that likes doing things together, that is great, but in 4 and a half months, I didn’t exactly make many friends.
• Respect the need for space. Do things apart if you want to take this step. Spending 4 and a half months with someone constantly is really unnatural. Try to at least go to some museums or shopping or events on your own that your partner won’t enjoy. They will thank you for it.
• Respect your partner. If they aren’t comfortable with something, respect it. If you aren’t comfortable with something, tell you partner and as your partner they should respect you. If you don’t plan on respecting your partner, don’t do this to them. This goes for everything in a relationship really.
• Make sure you discuss what your expectations of the trip are. Every last detail. You want to make sure you are 100% on the same page. Not on the other side of the world, realising that they are chasing things that you were told they weren’t there to chase (yes I am still a little bitter )

Despite my negative experiences, I am still a romantic at heart. I hope if you are your partner are considering travelling together you realise it is not a step to take lightly, but it can have some very beautiful pros. Or so I am told.

Things always seem worse at night.

It’s late at night and I can’t sleep, which explains why this will probably sound like a really depressive post. Things always seem better in the morning. It’s funny when once you sleep on something, you wake up the next day and feel completely different. I am hoping for that tomorrow.

After discovering that Narcissist’s usually always start off as this perfect ideal man to start with and change, I have realised that the person or ideal that I loved was exactly that, an ideal, an illusion. He was witty, charming, smart, sensitive,caring and empathetic. But as it turns out Narcissists have the ability to pick up what you want in a partner and become that person, but this never lasts. The change can be either fast and dramatic, or slow and insidious.

So this ‘perfect person’ I found, never existed. Whilst I understand this, sometimes I feel like ‘why did this person have to be like this.’ I am not a person that really connects with that many people. The thing that really sucks is, well, he was a good friend and someone I enjoyed talking to, we could have intellectual conversations. So it wasn’t actually real, but now I feel like the bar is really high and no one will ever live up to this illusion. This person doesn’t realise what this illusion has done, it has made me think that nothing will compare to a fake presense. Because nothing probably ever will be able to, it was all fake.

Decoding the Fuzz

Since my ex boyfriend broke up with me and I came home from being overseas with him, I have had to work really hard to get my mental health back up. A lot of this involved decoding things he told me about myself or things he twisted onto me and realise how much better I deserve then this.

I had a mental breakdown, was teary, was having anxiety attacks and was diagnosed with depression and you know what.. it’s not my fault. Yesterday I had a massive fight with my ex. Well basically we spoke and when he found out I didn’t have a disorder called Hashimotos which causes major mood swings, he got angry because apparently all my crazy behaviour was really just me. Apparently it was completely all my fault that I got depressed and anxious. It was all my fault apparently that he lied to me, knocked me aside for others attention, never empathise with me ever.It’s not my fault that I couldn’t take the neglect and unhappiness. I was on the other side of the world and all I had was him. I had a mental breakdown and he left me alone for days afterwards in a country where I didn’t know anyone. He then told people he thought I was going to kill myself, yet if he really thought that, why did he leave me alone. Then tell me ‘he went to any length for me.’ Surely I am not the only one that sees this as screwed up.

If I got physically sick at a time that inconvenienced him, then I wasn’t allowed to be sick or slow down. I had to go along with whatever he wanted, because I wasn’t an individual person, with individual needs and individual wants. I wasn’t allow an opinion of my own, because I was an extension of him. Nothing more in his eyes.

Yesterday he had the nerve to say to me that he deserved more recognition for ‘going to any length’ for me. He also said he felt guilt but had no idea why because he didn’t make any mistakes. And also implied that my own mental health problems from his abuse was my fault. That my anxiety attacks are my fault and that I got depressed and it’s my fault.

It’s not my fault. I am so glad I am not as clueless anymore as I was. Girls, don’t let a guy treat you like crap then tell you that it’s your fault that your depressed and having anxiety attacks. Don’t date anyone that lacks empathy and can’t even see it.

You accept the love you think you deserve…. and I know I deserve a lot better than this.

I wonder when these thoughts will stop hurting.

Having my usual late night internet fix on IMDB and I came across mentions of the Sundance Film Festival In Park City Utah. I was meant to live in Utah. I mean I am glad that it did not happen and grateful to be home with my sanity and well being resorted, but sometimes I wonder when will the thoughts of not getting to do all the things I was excited for stop hurting. It’s funny, because it’s not even a regret. I don’t regret coming home and I had to miss out on all these things to come home. But I just wonder when it won’t hurt anymore.Why does travel plans not furfilled hurt so much?

I came home because I was depressed and me and my then boyfriend were meant to live there together but he broke up with me, for being depressed. I am all good now. My sanity is back and I am back to being happy and healthy. I am me again. But why does it still hurt? Why did seeing the words Sundance Film Festival, make my stomach sink as did the day the Coachella line up came out

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The Michael Scott Paper Company – A Psychological Evaluation.

The other day I watched the episode of the office titled ‘The Michael Scott Paper Company.’ In this episode, Pam and Michael have started the Michael Scott Paper Company and it gets off to a shaky start.

At first Michael is delusional, delaying work at all costs until he has a major freak out. Despite the fact that Pam is scared to, she says that when Michael is weak she becomes strong. She also says that this happens in her marriage to Jim as well. When one person in the partnership has a freak out and becomes weak, they other one becomes stronger. She said it was one of those strange yet lovely parts of partnerships.

Later in the episode, the reverse happens. Pam starts to question if she has made the biggest mistake of her life in leaving her receptionist role at Dunder Mifflin, in which never really made her happy, but was a dependable role that covered her bills. When she has her freak out, Michael puts his issues aside and states ‘that they both have made the decision together and that they have each other and they will work on it together.’ Michael therefore takes on the role of the stronger character, to reassure Pam.

I noticed in my own previous relationship that this happened for me to an extent. Well at least it happened one-sided. Every time my ex boyfriend freaked out, I became strong. Even if I was freaked out and scared to, I took on the role of the strong person. However this wasn’t reciprocated. I did become weak and scared, however I don’t feel my ex partner managed to become strong when I became weak. I got very depressed at one stage, and he would get mad at me for being depressed. He would get upset that I was upset. I needed reassurance and for someone to be strong for me, but instead he turned it around and made it about him. The way I was treated, only made matters worse and it became a vicious cycle.

I remember distinctly when we arrived in Beijing for a stop over. He got freaked out, he has never been in a non english speaking country before. We needed to change flights and only had so much time to do it. I get it, it was pretty stressful. I was stressed too, but he was more stressed, so I became pro active and figured it out. Asked someone and we got there. We then got to Beijing late at night and he got freaked out again. 2 freaks out in day one of the big trip. It made me slighty nervous, but at the end of the day, I was worried and cared and gave him a big pep talk about how it would be fine and really the worst case scenarios weren’t so bad and if we just stuck together we would figure it out. Truth was I was a bit worried myself.

However when it came to my inevitable freak outs, this never happened. I either got yelled at for being weak or was made to feel like there was something wrong with me for this. Was told I wasn’t strong enough etc. I really started to believe this and I have always known that I was a strong person, so hearing that I wasn’t all the time, had a profound impact on me. I guess the more your told something, the more you start to believe it.

After watching this episode of the Michael Scott Paper Company and being a student of Social Psychology, I spent a little time looking up whether this was a psychological phenomenon. Some fancy name that I can put to it. Lately I have been trying to figure things out with psychology rather than my emotions. Become a bit more logical and to think with my head more than my heart. But after a bit of research, turns out this phenomenon might just be love and selflessness and no fancy psychological term that I could put a long and educated name to. Just plain old love. It’s revelations like this where I realise just how blind I was.