Ok, I am just going to issue a quick warning to start with. This post is overly personal, so if personal stories make you uncomfortable then do not read. Personal as in emotional, not sexual lol.
Recently I came back from overseas, heartbroken, depressed and convinced that there was something wrong with me. At the very least I was mentally ill and at the most, I had to be committed to a psych ward. I came home and went to the doctors straight away. My ex had convinced me that there was something wrong with me and then eventually I had convinced myself. I was crazy.
I was overseas living a life I didn’t really want, with a man I really did for some reason want. I was living his life that he dreamed up and not the one I thought we dreamed up together. The further along it got the more about him it got. I was struggling. But at the same time I was convinced that my not coping was my fault, so I gave more of myself up, got worse and allowed myself to be told there was something wrong with me.
I got bad. I am not taking anything away from my ex in saying this because it must have been hard for him too. But I got bad. Really bad. I was having anxiety attacks, getting physically ill in every way possible, shaking and just really not in a good place. Eventually after a day of already having an anxiety attack, I was pushed even further. I will admit I drank because I was in so much pain. Then I had a break down. I mean a full on breakdown. I blacked out and don’t really remember any of it and it still freaks the shit out of me. I woke up, scared and hiding under a car, all wet with no clue what happened. I know now that what happened was that my body couldn’t take how much physical and emotional pain I was in and then in combination with a depressive drug, just could not handle it anymore. I can honestly say that nothing in life has ever gotten me like that before and I will never allow it to again. It’s scary what can happen to your body when you don’t take care of yourself.
After this, my self-confidence was even more shattered, and my ex kept convincing me that something was wrong. I went and saw a doctor overseas who told me it was stress. Whilst my ex tried really hard to not have me be in stressful situations and do things like make me sleep more and eased the basic everyday life things (which I appreciate) my stress was mostly emotional. I needed to know that things could be about me sometimes and that what I wanted mattered to him. It didn’t. Eventually he forced me to go home. I am grateful for that. I am loving being home. At first I wanted him back, but now I can see how dangerous it is to love someone who just loves themselves. I am angry and unbelievably hurt, but I am doing pretty good considering.
Since coming back, I have spent so long defending my ex and not enough time listening to the family,friends,doctors and psychologist who have told me that I was in an unhealthy relationship and that it was completely normal not to be able to put up with what I was coping with. I have really started to realise that it’s not my fault I couldn’t cope with the impossible and that my mistake was placing too much importance on my relationship and not enough importance of myself when I was being damaged. My self-confidence is back. Everything is uphill from here.
Oh that feels so good to finally get off my chest. Like it can’t hurt me anymore.