Since my ex boyfriend broke up with me and I came home from being overseas with him, I have had to work really hard to get my mental health back up. A lot of this involved decoding things he told me about myself or things he twisted onto me and realise how much better I deserve then this.
I had a mental breakdown, was teary, was having anxiety attacks and was diagnosed with depression and you know what.. it’s not my fault. Yesterday I had a massive fight with my ex. Well basically we spoke and when he found out I didn’t have a disorder called Hashimotos which causes major mood swings, he got angry because apparently all my crazy behaviour was really just me. Apparently it was completely all my fault that I got depressed and anxious. It was all my fault apparently that he lied to me, knocked me aside for others attention, never empathise with me ever.It’s not my fault that I couldn’t take the neglect and unhappiness. I was on the other side of the world and all I had was him. I had a mental breakdown and he left me alone for days afterwards in a country where I didn’t know anyone. He then told people he thought I was going to kill myself, yet if he really thought that, why did he leave me alone. Then tell me ‘he went to any length for me.’ Surely I am not the only one that sees this as screwed up.
If I got physically sick at a time that inconvenienced him, then I wasn’t allowed to be sick or slow down. I had to go along with whatever he wanted, because I wasn’t an individual person, with individual needs and individual wants. I wasn’t allow an opinion of my own, because I was an extension of him. Nothing more in his eyes.
Yesterday he had the nerve to say to me that he deserved more recognition for ‘going to any length’ for me. He also said he felt guilt but had no idea why because he didn’t make any mistakes. And also implied that my own mental health problems from his abuse was my fault. That my anxiety attacks are my fault and that I got depressed and it’s my fault.
It’s not my fault. I am so glad I am not as clueless anymore as I was. Girls, don’t let a guy treat you like crap then tell you that it’s your fault that your depressed and having anxiety attacks. Don’t date anyone that lacks empathy and can’t even see it.
You accept the love you think you deserve…. and I know I deserve a lot better than this.