Bon Vogage

And some now it comes full circle. Tomorrow I leave for South America to embarke on my adventure. Despite having travelled alone before, I am pretty nervous. I know I am going on a tour, so it’s not exactly ‘travelling alone’ but for a good chuck of the time I will be alone. Packing my bag and planning for this trip, I’m reminded how different my life was. I’ve been telling myself that this will be harder and scarier because I am on my own. But in so many ways, it will be so much easier as last trip as I had all the downsides of travelling with someone and very little of the positives.

In many ways this trip feels like the closing of a chapter for me, as it comes full circle to a stage where I get to do it all over again, my way.   I wanted to travel alone and make up for the last trip that meant so much to me, but I had to focus on my future before I was able to just fly off again. Create foundations in my life. But now I’ve done that, I’ve worked hard and can reap the rewards. However this has placed a lot of pressure on this trip. I feel like I am setting a trip up for failure if I place all this pressure on it for making up for one of the biggest regrets of my life. I think that’s probably asking to much for a holiday, so I am trying my best to keep my expectations in check.

See you soon South America

Steps Towards Happiness – Making up for Past Regrets.

As anyone who reads this blog would know, that travel is a big deal for me and that I have some extreme regrets when it comes to this last trip. I know that they say that you should never regret anything and that regrets are futile, but sometimes regret is an unescapable emotion, no matter how we try to shift our thinking around the incident.

And shift my thinking around the incident I did. I told myself that I’ve learnt some irreplaceable lessons through this trip that have very much shaped who I am today. This is true and something that I do constantly remind myself. I also tell myself that my trip was not all bad and that I saw a lot of things that a lot of people won’t in their lifetime. This is also true, however I can also say that travelling whilst experiencing crippling depression is one of the most bittersweet experiences. You know with every fibre in your being that you should be enjoying yourself. You know that you should be loving all the amazing places you experience and loving all the opportunities that you have in your ridiculously privileged life. But that is the thing when it comes to depression. Rational thought means nothing when it comes to depression. Sometimes in my more mentally healthy state I do find it hard to place myself back into that  mind space of how I felt before when I was depressed, because I have moved so far from where I was, but one thing I do remember, was that rational thought and depression do not co-exist.

But I think that is the hardest thing. To know that I went on this amazing experience and that I went to some really truly amazing locations and circumstances that were only in part outside of my control, allow for an amazing experience to be only a portion of what it should have been. And over the last 18 months, I’ve learnt that regrets are hard things to live with, I can honestly say I’ve never had  a true irreversible regret until this point of my life, and it was one of the hardest emotions to learn to live with.

Since coming home, saving up and going on another trip has been something I have been dying to do, but it hasn’t always been that simple. Temp work was hard to find with huge competition against much more experienced people. As I was getting older, I also could not put off my future for much longer, otherwise I would pay for this decision later in life. I made the decision to start a career styled type of employment to move forward professionally in my life as I couldn’t let my past regrets take that much control of my future. This decision though, saw any futures chances of travel be postponed and shortened.

But this is all about to change. 2013 would be my chance to make up for this, by having my own trip. I spent a great deal of 2012 thinking about where I would go and what I would do. Firstly I planned to go to India, then the plans changed to the USA again as I did not get to see or do the things that I wanted to do whilst I was there (except New York and who doesn’t want to go to New York twice). Then the plans changed to Greece and Turkey. Then back to the States.

About one month ago, I finally applied for leave at work and have planned a trip. To South America. It’s kind of ironic that not once in this year of dreaming did I even think about this continent. But I know my decision is right and I am so excited for my trip. I will be going for 1 month to Brazil, Uruguay and Argentina. I will be going solo again and despite having travelled solo before, I am excitedly petrifed. I leave in less than a month. I don’t know if this experience will write off any past regrets that I have had, as it might be a huge ask of a holiday, but I do know that it is another step towards happiness.

Steps Towards Happiness – The Paradox of Happiness

Yesterday morning marked one year since I stepped off the plane. One year since my mum greeted me at the airport and barely recognised me. One year since I drove home, looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise myself. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, taking a solid look and thinking, how did I get here? I lay in my bed, staring blankly out the same window I’d been staring out my whole life, but the view looked awfully different to the view I’d once known.

This morning marks one year since I was diagnosed with depression and day one of my endeavour into finding happiness. Over the last year I have learnt a lot about happiness but I have approached happiness in a much different way than I ever have previously.  But for the sake of reminiscing I’d like to go back to the start, the first step of happiness, identifying what actually makes you happy.

This as it turns out is not as simple as it sounds. When I was in Seattle approximately two weeks before I came home I saw a doctor who told me that to improve my health and happiness I needed to A.) Reduce my sugar and caffeine intake dramatically, B.) Not to travel around anymore and stay in one place (preferably back home) and have more stability C.) Have regular exercise D) Take more baths, massages and other such relaxing things. Ok Doc, so I have no opposition to taking a bath, sure why not but your telling me that cutting out why favourite things in the world (Mar’s Bar’s,Coke and Travelling)  and telling me the answer to all my problems is to go home, find a stable office job and get on a treadmill and that will make me happy? No no, your sorely mistaken!

But as much as I hate to admit it, I went home, took some baths, somewhat cut out sugar (for like a month max) got a job I feel really passionate about, have a crazy stable life with the support of my family and friends. Sometimes you don’t know what will make you happy, sometimes it is about trialing the things you think will and having an honest look at the situation. I love travelling and seeing the world, but I don’t think I’d want to travel around aimlessly for 4 and a half months again, probably one month at a time of ‘travelling around’ tops and if I wanted to be overseas for longer than that, it would be set up in a certain area. Sometimes identifying happiness is the hardest step of all. It’s the paradox of happiness, you don’t always know what it’s going to look like.

The Blog Days Are Over

I debated in my head whether I wanted to write this post or not. Whether I wanted to keep this blog open incase I ever needed it again. But that is just the thing. I no longer need it or get anything out of it anymore. It has dawned on me. I am happy. There is nothing left to achieve with it and whilst I will always have something to say, I think that was this blogs point. To show myself that I have opinions and that I have points of view. My points of view matter and my wants and needs matter, no more than anyone else, but no less either. This blog has been a journey to find out who I am and whilst I will always have more to know about myself, it feels like time to close it down and learn in a different way.

The more I thought about writing this, the more it felt right. This blog is done everything I was hoping it would do, but a lot more to. I literally wrote my way out of depression and back to mental health. Looking back at the time when I lost my sanity and had a nervous breakdown. I was a completely different person and I have to say that I am ridiculously proud of myself from getting to where I have gotten in the short time that I did. Whilst I will never be glad that the experience happened, it’s been a significant factor in making me who I am today, someone who I am really proud to be. Like a good wise friend of mine that I really look up to recently said to me,’ it’s character building, your stronger and better for it, and by god you will never ever be in a situation like that again.’ And she’s right. I won’t be. I’ve learnt to much to ever be. It’s all behind me now.I’m stronger and more self-assured than I could have ever hoped to be. I’m tougher and more worldly, more independent and focused and I have become the person I wanted to be. More calm,easy-going and less prone to stress. I trust that the universe will put me where I am meant to be.

Thank you to anyone that ever wrote or comments or followed this. I appreciate it. Mostly I want to thank the people who validated my story. That made me realise I wasn’t being weak or complaining. There are so many people out there that have the same story that I do, talking to you all and sharing stories with you was like a light at the end of the tunnel. That was the hardest part of being isolated with someone like I was, you don’t have anyone to validate your experiences with until your around normal sane people again and you realise what kind of crazy, insane shit was imposed on you and you realise that your mental health is in a bad place for a reason. That it’s not you. Life will never get that bad again, no one will ever be able to convince me I am crazy or weak or anything else again, I am past all that shit, I know who I am.

As for travelling again. Lately I have thought a lot about travelling again, but I have just gotten an amazing job which I love and is such an amazing opportunity. It took a long time for someone to believe in me and give me a break. The people I work for believe in me, I can feel that they do, I don’t want to let them down, I want to do well at this job and that is my goal for now. Industrial Relation Law’s was never something I thought I’d work in, but I love it so far. It’s interesting, technical, complicated and ever changing.  But I am still young and still believe that I can have it all, so whilst I won’t be going on any long trips anytime soon, I have some pretty exciting ideas for semi distant future. But not plans, because one of the biggest lessons this whole experience has taught me is to live in the moment. When the moment is right, I’ll know it. Until then I will continue to be the hopeless dreamer that I always was, looking forward without forgetting the past. Focus on all the exciting times in front of me and not all the crushed dreams behind me. I will no doubt blog again in the future, especially if I do my travel ‘ideas’.

Alexander Chambers once said, “The three grand essentials of happiness are: Something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. I have all these things. What more could I ever want.

The not-so Winter Blues.

I love Summer. I live for Summer. Summer is my absolute favourite time of year. Beaches, swimming, summer fashion, warm nights out, sunsets. Being June, the fair majority of the Western World is enjoying all these things, however not me and all my friends Southern Hemisphere friends. In the 6 plus months of being in the bloggersphere I have been coming more intune to the happenings of everyday people from all around the world and lately I have been made painfully aware that there are plenty of people out there enjoying the sunshine. (don’t worry, I will have my payback come December time, lying on a beautiful Sydney beach) But this year I am attempting to embrace Winter. Usually winter I go into hibanation, just like bears. But this year will be different, I promise, (said as I write this from my bed). Here is my list of all the things I am looking forward to about Winter.

1. Winter Fashion – I’ve been told that I don’t like Winter because I don’t know how to dress for it. When a discussion came up about the fact I am 23 and purchasing my first thick winter coat ever, I realised this may just be true. (What, I usually dont go outside in Winter) So this year I am embracing Winter fashion. Overcoats, thick leggings, scarves, gloves, beanies are now all things I own and will wear on a regular basis. I now walk to work like an eskimo, but hey, at least I am toast warm and outside.

2. Peppermint Tea – As someone who doesn’t drink tea or coffee (still waiting for those tastebubs to mature) it is usually hard to find something to endulge in daily. But peppermint tea has now become my winter staple. Put a little sugar in it and it’s like drinking a candy cane. Yum Yum Yum.

3. Electric Blanket – Sorry environment, but I couldn’t live without it. It’s even on as I type this. I have to admit that graph on ‘An Inconvient Truth’ showing the variations between Northern and Southern Hemispheres impact on the environment actually made me feel better, the Southern Hemisphere isn’t doing so bad.

4. Soup and Casseroles – And many other warm, tasty comfort foods. My doctor has been telling me to gain weight for weights, I feel this winter it may be inevitable.

So enjoy your Sunshine and summer holidays my Northern Hemispherian friends, I will be attempting to be walking in a Winter Wonderland.

Steps Towards Happiness – Re-gaining Something Lost

On my road to happiness (I feel a bit of a sham still calling it that, because I am more content than I have been, possibly ever right now) but on my road towards regaining myself to be the confident and carefree person that I was, another step has been taken. I have started planning a trip again. It may be a little premature (yes I have only been working for about a month) but by December over Christmas and New Year I will accumulate enough leave for a 3 week trip or if I wait until march, a 4 week trip. Right now in this early stage I am just going over my options. This trip will most probably be taken by myself, which I think will be good for me again. I’ve done it before, so there should be no reservations in doing it again, although this isn’t true. I am a little timid about doing it again, my confidence levels have changed since coming back from when I first did go away by myself. But going away solo is what made my confidence levels so high in the first place and is the number one way to get them back.

Me and travelling have also had a bumpy past. The best time of my life and the time I hold most fondly was overseas, however so was my darkest hour, but I really don’t want to let what essentially is one bad experience with one bad decision ruin travel for me altogether.

Still unsure as to where exactly my trip will be taken, most probably India, though some of me does want to go back to the USA again. It’s almost as if me and the USA have a score to settle. I didn’t like it last time (except New York in which I think about going back to constantly) but there is so much I never got to see that I wanted to see and I kind of feel like me and the USA have a score to settle after everything that happened. But who knows, all I know is that I am reading travel books and looking into trips and it’s really exciting.

Steps Towards Happiness – Appreciating the Little Things

Like a beautiful Autumn sunset on the way home from work.

Psychology of Happiness

In the last 6 months, achieving happiness and the psychology of happiness has become a large focus in my life. Post nervous breakdown, it was clear that changes needed to be made, however what these changes had to be, was not so clear. Here are some facts about happiness that make the changes needed to get happy that little bit clearer.

1. Your genes and family upbringing account for only half of your happiness levels.

2. Only 10 percent of your happiness comes from external circumstances. Genes and upbringing influence about 50% of the variation in our personal happiness, our circumstances (income and environment) affect only about 10 percent. The remaining 40% is accounted for by our outlook and activities, including our relationships, friendships and jobs, our engagement in the community and our involvement in sports and hobbies.

3. Your outlook on life, and what you choose to do with your life accounts for 40 percent of your happiness levels. This includes your friendships, work, and participation in your community.

4. It gets easier as you age. A 2005 U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey showed ages 20-24 are sad for 3.4 days per month. Those aged between 65-74 are sad only 2.3 days per month

5. A mere 20 minutes of exercise, three days each week will increase your happiness by 10 to 20 percent after six months.

6. The happier you are, the more antibodies your body generates – up to 50 percent more, in fact.

7. In the United States, the number of people with clinical depression is 3 to 10 times more common than it was for their grandparents at the same age.

8. Happy people generally earn more than unhappy people.

9. Women are unhappiest in their life around the age of 37; men around the age of 42.

10. Dancing increases happiness.

11. Sports facilities and community centres increase a community’s overall happiness.

12. Money can buy happiness. Those who can afford to have their basic material needs taken care of are happier than those who cannot.

13. Money has its limits. After having your basic material needs met, additional money does not have any impact on your levels of happiness.

14. People in relationships are usually happier than people who are single, however….

15. Happier people are more likely to retain relationships.

16. Education and intelligence do not make you more happy than anyone else.

17. Happiness has a fragrance. Clinical experiments on body odour have proved your scent changes between when you are stressed or happy

18. The more you hug your children, the happier they will be as adults.

19. The most powerful way to increase your short-term feelings of happiness is to perform random acts of kindness to others, or to send a letter of gratitude to someone you care about. Five such acts in a week will increase your happiness for up to three months.

20. The most powerful way to increase your long-term feelings of happiness is to change your thoughts rather than your circumstances. Thought patterns are are like stubborn habits, they aren’t going to change straight away, but you can train yourself to change them.

21. Happy people live up to 10 years longer than their depressed peers.

Week One Done

Uahhhhh, there is nothing like the feeling of finally getting to bed on a friday after a big week. In all honesty, I haven’t experienced this feeling in a long time. The satisfaction of the weekend rolling around and a well earned weekend. Oh employment.

This first week has been a really hard yet productive week. My new job is hard, with a lot to learn and I am feeling very much like a fish out of water. I’ve been so excited about getting a job lately that it has kind of hit me that, now that I have a job, I will actually have to do it.  It’s great to be in a job that takes a while to learn, it’s complicated but it’s interesting. There is no room to get bored, not for a very long time.

I am also loving working in the CBD. Whilst the commute is a bit of a pain and the joy for working in the CBD might wear off, I am loving going over the Sydney Harbour Bridge every morning, with an amazing view of the Opera House. I love strolling down George St on my way to work with a spring in my step. I love stepping off the bus and being part of the hussle and bussle. Being part of the city. It’s a magical city.

Though employment has made less time for writing. Though this blog isn’t something I want to let completely slide, because it has helped me so much in the past and just because I am in a really good place, doesn’t mean that I don’t have to work to stay on top of things. Life can twist and change and turn at any moment. It only takes something small to unravel everything, just as it only takes something small to change everything.

My Day

Usually I wouldn’t write a post as uneventful or without any other meaning than to simply share my day, however it has been a good day for one very simple reason.

I got an interview for my absolute dream job today. I know in writing this next statement, there is a possibility that I will get some ‘think positive’ statements in return, but I am going to write it anyway. I know I won’t get this job. This job is way to much of a dream and even the interviewer mentioned that I am the underdog. But to tell you the truth, I am much more comfortable being the underdog. I don’t feel any pressure or any nerves despite the fact that I could not think of a job I wanted more and it has been the first time ever that I have jumped up and down cheering in a busy public street after getting the call. Without this pressure I can go in and be myself and show him just how interested in social research I am.

It certainly takes the ache out of lots of past rejection and just to get the interview, is a huge win in my books. And how doesn’t love backing the underdog. It’s very Auuustrallliannn (thats my attempts at a written Aussie accent, incase you couldn’t work it out)