Steps Towards Happiness – The Paradox of Happiness

Yesterday morning marked one year since I stepped off the plane. One year since my mum greeted me at the airport and barely recognised me. One year since I drove home, looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise myself. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, taking a solid look and thinking, how did I get here? I lay in my bed, staring blankly out the same window I’d been staring out my whole life, but the view looked awfully different to the view I’d once known.

This morning marks one year since I was diagnosed with depression and day one of my endeavour into finding happiness. Over the last year I have learnt a lot about happiness but I have approached happiness in a much different way than I ever have previously.  But for the sake of reminiscing I’d like to go back to the start, the first step of happiness, identifying what actually makes you happy.

This as it turns out is not as simple as it sounds. When I was in Seattle approximately two weeks before I came home I saw a doctor who told me that to improve my health and happiness I needed to A.) Reduce my sugar and caffeine intake dramatically, B.) Not to travel around anymore and stay in one place (preferably back home) and have more stability C.) Have regular exercise D) Take more baths, massages and other such relaxing things. Ok Doc, so I have no opposition to taking a bath, sure why not but your telling me that cutting out why favourite things in the world (Mar’s Bar’s,Coke and Travelling)  and telling me the answer to all my problems is to go home, find a stable office job and get on a treadmill and that will make me happy? No no, your sorely mistaken!

But as much as I hate to admit it, I went home, took some baths, somewhat cut out sugar (for like a month max) got a job I feel really passionate about, have a crazy stable life with the support of my family and friends. Sometimes you don’t know what will make you happy, sometimes it is about trialing the things you think will and having an honest look at the situation. I love travelling and seeing the world, but I don’t think I’d want to travel around aimlessly for 4 and a half months again, probably one month at a time of ‘travelling around’ tops and if I wanted to be overseas for longer than that, it would be set up in a certain area. Sometimes identifying happiness is the hardest step of all. It’s the paradox of happiness, you don’t always know what it’s going to look like.

Nervous Breakdowns – What are they and how to spot the signs.

If anyone would have said to me this time last year, by the end of the year you will have a nervous breakdown, I would have laughed at them. I never in a million years thought something like that would happen to me, I am young, I’d just got my degree and was making lots of money to do something in my life that I always dreamed of. I never thought something like that would happen to me and in telling some of my friends that the reasons I came home early from overseas was because I had a nervous breakdown, most have been surprised. You what? But your always laughing I recall one saying. You don’t get sad, or when you do you jump back really quickly. But it happens, I can say that with a matter of certainty, because it happened to me. But what is a nervous breakdown? We have all heard the term nervous breakdown, otherwise known as a mental breakdown. But what exactly does it involve. What exactly happens to a person when they have a nervous breakdown?

A nervous breakdown refers to a mainstream and often-used term to generically describe someone who experiences a bout of mental illness that is so severe, it directly impacts their ability to function in everyday life. Whilst it is not a medical term, it is the signs of the extremes in stress or mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety.A nervous breakdown can be seen as a sign that one’s ability to cope with life or a mental illness has been overwhelmed by stress, life events, work or relationship issues. By disconnecting from their regular responsibilities and routines, an individual’s nervous breakdown may allow them to try and regroup their coping skills and temporarily relieve the stress in their life.

But you don’t have to have a mental illness to experience one, they really can happen to anyone who has just reached the breaking point of chronic stress. (World of Psychology Website)

The World of Psychology Website also states that ‘A nervous breakdown is not a condition to be afraid of, as it is simply an indication of overhwelming stress and mental illness in a person’s life. Loved ones and friends of someone who is suffering from a nervous breakdown should be supportive of the individual’s efforts in seeking help for it.’ When I suffered my nervous breakdown, I was just isolated with my ex-boyfriend and some of his friends who didn’t know me, so I understand that they didn’t notice my behaviour changes because how could they, they really didn’t know me. But say you did have a friend who you suspected was a little bit off lately, would you know the signs to be able to step in and help?

The signs of nervous breakdown can be put into 3 groups: Physical Signs, Emotional Signs and Behaviour Changes

Physical symptoms of a nervous breakdown

• Sleep disruption – much longer periods of sleep or insomnia
• Diarrhea
• Constipation
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
• Breathing problems
• Migraine headaches
• Low libido
• Memory loss
• Disrupted menstrual cycle
• Extreme exhaustion/fatigue
• Feelings of persistent anxiety or panic attacks
• Significant changes in appetite, such as eating too little or too much (comfort eating)
• Visual/eye disturbances

Emotional symptoms

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Agitation and restlessness
• Indecision
• Loss of confidence and selfesteem
• Inability to stop crying
• Feelings of guilt, poor judgment
• Disinterest in social life and work or alienation from previously close friends and family
• Hearing voices
• Inability to pursue a normal life, normal activities or normal relationships
• Increasing dependence on alcohol or drugs
• Paranoid thoughts, such as the thought people are trying to harm you
• Seeing people who are not there
• Thoughts of dying or wish to die
• Thoughts of grandeur or invincibility
• Having flashbacks to a prior traumatic event
• Hearing voices

Behavioral symptoms

• Mood swings
• Strange behavior such as odd body movements or undressing in public
• Exhibiting strong or violent anger
• Speech changes/voice changes

Happiness and it’s Causes

Recently I wrote a post about how my new hobby was entering in lots of competitions. Considering I have only been doing this when I have been getting ridiculously bored because unemployment is killing me and I have somewhat started to reap the benefits. So far in my efforts I have won a free meal at Nandos, 2 tickets to the Moonlight Cinema and yesterday I got a bit of a peculiar email. I had won tickets to the happiness and it’s causes seminar. My first reaction was like what? I don’t actually recall entering into that, so I really didn’t actually know what my prize was. Though when I saw it was worth $995, I thought, I probably did enter it because I thought, I will be able to sell anything that is worth $995. But turns out I can’t sell it. So I looked up what it was that I was invited to attend for nothing at all.

Turns out my prize is a 2 day Happiness Seminar.

http://www.happinessanditscauses.com.au/programme-conference-day-one-thursday-1-march-2012.stm

That is the first days program and the second can be found above. Anyone who is Australian, will know that it had got some kind of cool people speaking at it celebrity wise as well as some really intellectual people speaking about what the roots of happiness and everything about happiness and its causes. If only I won last years one, the Dali Lama spoke at that one.  Due to my recent life circumstances, it could actually be really good for me. Worse comes to worse, it’s something to do and if it sucks, well I can always leave. It also has free food.

And my 25 words or less entry on what was my happiest moment? My mum picking me up from the airport after coming home from my disaster of a trip (it was written a little more poetically than that.) Thanks mum. Not only are you the best mother in the word, but your awesomeness wins me prizes too.

Why do they call them ‘stages of grief?’

After all traumatic experiences, we go through the stages of grief. After we loss something or something traumatic changes us, it is natural to grieve and mourn i t.Lately I have been doing a lot of going through the so-called stages of grief.

There was denial, I didn’t want to accept it the end of my relationship or the fact that I had a mental breakdown. I didn’t want to accept that he didn’t care about me or want to be with me anymore.

I went through the anger, I was hurt, I blamed the world, I blamed my ex and I blamed all the other circumstances around our break up. I was angry that he lied and I was angry and felt all the hurt and betrayal. I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to bitch about how much he hurt me and every nasty and stupid thing he did to me to anyone that would listen (a surprising amount of people actually)

There was also the bargaining. If i only I’d done things differently. If only I didn’t let this happen. The list could go on.

There was the depression, the crying, the pity parties, the feeling sorry for myself. The whining and the complaining of why did this have to happen to me? Did I deserve this? Why did I have to fall for the wrong guy and invest so much interest into him again. Why couldn’t he care about me like he always said he did. Why did he abandon me in my time of need? All the depressive thoughts I felt them.

And of course the acceptance. I accept that the relationship ended for a reason and that it is well and truly over. I accept that nothing with change this and that what is done is done.

However these stages aren’t as clear-cut as you would think ‘stages’ to be. Could stages in fact be the wrong word to define them? When you move from one stage of your life, you don’t move back to the previous stage. However with the stages of grief, once you have reached the next stage, there is no guarantee that you won’t move back to the previous stage and end up right where you started again. Once you have hit acceptance, doesn’t mean that anger and depression won’t return from time to time. For me denial and bargaining are gone, but anger and depression do know how to show their ugly heads from time to time.

There is also never any talk of feeling a combination of these. Some days are filled with anger and acceptance, some with depression and anger and throughout the process of moving on I have jumped and switched and alternated between almost every combination imaginable, even denial and bargaining (somehow that really is possible, but only for the truly messed up)

I think the term ‘stages of grief’ needs a bit of a re-write. These aren’t really stages at all, more parts that come and go in all sorts of ways in various orders and various forms.

 

A New Diagnosis

When I visited my local GP whom I have been seeing regularly after my diagnosis with depression, another diagnosis has emerged. It was a diagnosis I didn’t understand so I kind of dismissed it. After discussing the situation that I had been in before being diagnoised with depression (travelling with now ex boyfriend, stressful living circumstances, on the move etc.) originally we focused on my lifestyle being the problem, whilst I was being tested for Hashimotos (which is still undetermined, and I still need several tests for) but now the focus has shifted onto what is known as ‘Narcissism Victim Syndrome’ in which recovering from is what I am exploring at the moment.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/10872.php Here is a article that explains it more.

As stated in this article the symptoms of Narcissism Victim Syndrome are depression,anxiety, weight loss or gain, insomnia. Anxious and guilt ridden feelings as well as nervousness and restlessness.Whilst these symptoms are definately not exclusive to this, talking to a professional about it, it certainly fits, it certainly fits with what has happened to me now this relationship is over.

I’m not saying that my ex boyfriend was a full blown Narcissist and I am not a trained professional so I can’t diagnose anything, all I can go by are my own diagnoses, in which Narcissism Victim Syndrome matches my experiences and symptoms. Narcissism is a scale, there are certain degrees. But I know I’ve gone from blaming myself and feeling trapped, isolated and just downright miserable to being happy and full of hope again. My worry now is just never getting into a relationship like this one again, because as superficial as this sounds, I don’t like the term victim, and I don’t feel like a victim anymore.

Its been a process understanding everything that happened. Understanding why things did happen, understanding why it was like the way it was. But I am beginning to really understand. The angry and the sadness is gone. Now its just all hope for future things to come.

For more information  http://narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-what-the-heck-is-that

It’s Good to Give

Today I did, what I do every year around Christmas time and bought a present for the Wishing Tree Appeal. The wishing tree appeal where you buy a present for a specific age and gender of a child and place it under the tree of the participating store. They see that it gets to a disadvantaged child for christmas who otherwise wouldn’t get anything. There are lots of children that go without presents at christmas, and I know that possibly this isn’t the most concerning issue in our society, but they are just kids. But lately I have been getting down about how selfish society and humans can be. So seeing as pretty much everyone just seems to do everything for themselves, here is a bunch of reasons, why giving and helping others, is really selfish and helping you. Oh the irony.

1.) Giving makes you happy – A 2008 study at Harvard University showed that giving money to someone else made the participant happier then when they spent that money on themselves (despite the general conscience believing that the opposite would happen). Happiness expert Dr Sonya Lyubomirsky also conducted a similar experiment where someone did 5 acts of kindness towards others as oppose to 5 things that the individual would want to do for themselves. Overall studies were conclusive that more happiness was created by those individuals that did kind acts for others.

2.) Giving is good for your Mental and Physical Health. – Studies have shown that those  who give, overcome lifes challenges greater then those who do not. Giving is known to decrease  depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses. Whilst that may seem obvious, what most  people do not know is that giving can make you live longer, with elderly volunteers living longer  and having less physical health problems. Giving is good for the heart because it stimulates the production of the hormone oxytocin which protects us from hardening of the arteries, dilates our blood vessels, reduces blood pressure, and may help the heart regenerate after damage.

 3.) Giving is good for your Social Interactions and Connections- Australian researchers have found that charitable giving activates the mesolimbic pathway in the brain, which is where the neurotransmitter dopamine, the brain’s pleasure system, is found. As well, donating appears to increase the release of oxytocin which promotes social bonding and builds trust between people. Studies found, that those that give, felt less feelings of loneliess and felt more connected to the community as well as a sense of belonging.

So at the end of the day, giving isn’t really giving at all, because you seem to get more out of it, then those you are giving too. But on a more serious note. Think about what is important this Christmas and holiday season and if you are in a position to give, well the arguement above makes it pretty clear why you should (if I do say so myself)

 

I’m not crazy, or even remotely unwell.

Ok, I am just going to issue a quick warning to start with. This post is overly personal, so if personal stories make you uncomfortable then do not read. Personal as in emotional, not sexual lol.

Recently I came back from overseas, heartbroken, depressed and convinced that there was something wrong with me. At the very least I was mentally ill and at the most, I had to be committed to a psych ward. I came home and went to the doctors straight away. My ex had convinced me that there was something wrong with me and then eventually I had convinced myself. I was crazy.

I was overseas living a life I didn’t really want, with a man I really did for some reason want. I was living his life that he dreamed up and not the one I thought we dreamed up together. The further along it got the more about him it got. I was struggling. But at the same time I was convinced that my not coping was my fault, so I gave more of myself up, got worse and allowed myself to be told there was something wrong with me.

I got bad. I am not taking anything away from my ex in saying this because it must have been hard for him too. But I got bad. Really bad. I was having anxiety attacks, getting physically ill in every way possible, shaking and just really not in a good place. Eventually after a day of already having an anxiety attack, I was pushed even further. I will admit I drank because I was in so much pain. Then I had a break down. I mean a full on breakdown. I blacked out and don’t really remember any of it and it still freaks the shit out of me. I woke up, scared and hiding under a car, all wet with no clue what happened. I know now that what happened was that my body couldn’t take how much physical and emotional pain I was in and then in combination with a depressive drug, just could not handle it anymore. I can honestly say that nothing in life has ever gotten me like that before and I will never allow it to again. It’s scary what can happen to your body when you don’t take care of yourself.

After this, my self-confidence was even more shattered, and my ex kept convincing me that something was wrong. I went and saw a doctor overseas who told me it was stress. Whilst my ex tried really hard to not have me be in stressful situations and do things like make me sleep more and eased the basic everyday life things (which I appreciate) my stress was mostly emotional. I needed to know that things could be about me sometimes and that what I wanted mattered to him. It didn’t. Eventually he forced me to go home. I am grateful for that. I am loving being home. At first I wanted him back, but now I can see how dangerous it is to love someone who just loves themselves. I am angry and unbelievably hurt, but I am doing pretty good considering.

Since coming back, I have spent so long defending my ex and not enough time listening to the family,friends,doctors and psychologist who have told me that I was in an unhealthy relationship and that it was completely normal not to be able to put up with what I was coping with. I have really started to realise that it’s not my fault I couldn’t cope with the impossible and that my mistake was placing too much importance on my relationship and not enough importance of myself when I was being damaged. My self-confidence is back. Everything is uphill from here.

Oh that feels so good to finally get off my chest. Like it can’t hurt me anymore.

‘Generation Me’

Lately, due to boredom and my growing interest in health psychology and missing of university I’ve been doing some research into narcissism. Narcissism is a growing problem, especially amongst my generation.

Youths of today are faced with more narcissistic traits then ever before. University students when tested have higher rates of narcissism with 1 in 4 showing high levels of narcissism compared to 1 in 10 in the 1980s and 1990′s with no significant changes between those decades. I personally believe that there is a correlation between growing narcissism and growing levels of depression and anxiety amongst the same generation. We are more narcissistic, self-centred and ultimately, more unhappy. I know I am not any kind of health professional, with only a couple of subjects in health psychology under my belt but I do find the whole thing fasinating. And I am not removing myself from the study. I do have some narcissistic traits, we all do. But why is it a growing problem amongst our generation. Why are we ‘generation me’

Ironic enough as it is, me writing a blog post, a completely self-indulgent way of expressing myself say this. But I think social media may be at least part of the problem. Social media does have some very positive points, and I am addicted and can’t get enough. But I can help but think despite how much I defend Facebook and other platforms of social media and how much writing a blog is helping me. Is this social media turning us into a generation of naracists?

Think about it. Many people use Facebook and twitter not just to socialise and keep up to date, but as a way to self promote, self indulge and be heard in a purely superficial way. It can be used to project ourselves and make ourselves into a person we want to be, even if it is a lie. There are ways to check our impacts on social media and even seeing how many people view our blogs turns everything into all about ‘me’ It seems the more unhappy we get, the more about ‘me’ we make it and it just spirals out of control.

But it is not all about me. Lately I have been trying to make a habit of taking the opposite approach. When I am sad, it is not about me at all, it’s about others, it’s about being part of something, not the centre of something.

What is with the anti – depressant hate?

As my anti-depressant medication finally kicks in I have been left to wonder. Why is there so much hate towards anti-depressant medication? There is such a stigma involved around anti depressant and from popular opinion, I was given the impression that taking anti depressant was something that was to be avoided at all costs. That they make you lifeless and unable to feel. That they are more trouble then they are worth.

But lately I have to question whether people who make these comments have even suffered depression or have ever taken anti depressant’s. I have to admit, I didn’t like the thought of taking them, mostly due to the stigma involved. But now that I am on them, you know what, my life has improved, so has my overall well being.I mean I know there are side effects and I know I am fortunate to not have experienced many of these. But I don’t get all the hate.

A little over a month ago I was having breakdowns, couldn’t get out of bed, dreaded having too. I barely showered, I didn’t enjoy anything anymore. It got to the point where eating to was too much effort, so I stopped doing that too.

And I almost didn’t take these pills because of some social stigma because of some opinions of a lot of people, some without any knowledge or personal experiences. But now I’m on them, wondering what all the fuss was about?

Narcissism – A Western Epidemic?

Narcissism is not a new concept. The term was first coined in 1887, named after Narcissus from a Greek myth about a man who was punished to love his own reflection for all of eternity after rejecting all other romantic partners, because he never found any that matched up to his perception of himself. However narcissism is a growing epidemic of our time. It is predicted that 1/6 people in Western Society have some degree of narcissism, with around 20% of these people having serious problems with narcissim.However it is very rare for a narcissist to see that they have a problem, meaning most narcissism goes undetected, with those being treated usually brought in by family or friends who cannot cope anymore.

Everyone has narcissistic traits, everyone is a little self-absorbed at times but to some these can become extreme problems. Attention seeking, manipulation, thinking others are manipulating you, lack of empathy for others, lack of care for others if they do not have the same opinions as you and emotional abuse are all commonplace to those that have problems with narcissism.

However it has interested me to learn that problems with narcissism are a lot more predominate in the West then they are in Eastern culture. Narcissism is not a problem commonly associated to Eastern culture. fascinating.

After a conversation with my good friend last night I have put this down to two different possible reasons and I am undecided as to which one it would be.

My friend commented that in Eastern culture these problems would not be documented as much as they would in Western culture, as mental health and other personality disorders are really looked down on and viewed different. They are more a fault of the individual. This may be true.

However I personally think it could be the different doctrines of these different cultures. Western Culture focuses on the individual, where as eastern focuses on the collective. Western culture encourages everyone to be individuals, do things for themselves, achieve things individually and that you only really yourself. Eastern culture focuses more on the collective. The individual state is not as nurtured as the state of being in a collective group. Your viewed by your memberships.

Perhaps us in the West could be taking a leaf out of our friends in the East’s book.

For more information on how to spot an narcissist.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/