The Things I learnt From Last Night.

Last night me and my friend hit the town (well ok, the suburbs not so much the ‘town’) for a girly night of bitching and drinking. Here is what we learnt.

- Don’t pole dance infront of a cop station, you look like a wanker.

- That dating at 22, is just more effort than it’s worth

- That internet dating is a mistake, well I learnt this one vicariously through her

- That drinking and texting don’t mix.

- That there are some really good looking guys near where I live.

- That you always drink your vodka raspberry’s with a straw, to avoid a pink mustache.

- That bitching about men is good for the soul.

Say What you Mean, but most importantly, mean what you say.

Through negative experiences of the past, I am really trying to take every lessons that I can out of it so I can not only move on but not repeat the same mistakes again. But it’s not only my mistakes that I can learn from. I can also learn from my ex boyfriends mistakes because I know how to feels to be on the other end of such treatment and I know I would never want anyone to feel how I felt.

One of the most important lessons I have learnt is ‘Say what you mean and mean what you say’

Say What you Mean – There were times when I told my ex boyfriend that I was okay with things, that turns out I wasn’t ok with. Whilst I didn’t know that I wasn’t okay with them, I have somewhat of a defence. But in hindsight I should have communicated my doubts better. I can’t say for sure that he would have cared or listened, but I should have stated more clearly that I was agreeing to things I wasn’t so sure about, meaning that when I changed my mind, it wasn’t such a shock for him. Or in hindsight I should have said no more and stopped worrying about trying to please him.

Mean What you Say – My ex boyfriend use to say all sorts of lovely things to me. When he was away and we were apart for a number of months, he use to say how much he wished I was there and all the things that he would show me one day. I use to lie at home all starry-eyed about when we would have this adventure of our own. The day comes and we do have the adventure of our own in the USA. However when it came to showing me these things that he stated were important to him, a number of them got pushed to the side because we had to fit someone else in or do something for someone else. There was someone else to impress or something someone else wanted to do, so in the end I missed out every time. When I express that for a long time, he made me feel like showing me things was a big part of it to him to, he basically said that nothing was ever set in stone and it was my own fault for taking all that talk so seriously. So this brings me to ‘mean what you say’ I can not express how hurtful and disappointing hearing that was. I felt like I had been lied to and deceived for years. Years and it was just all talk. He was even willing to state that it was just cutesy talk and nothing to take seriously. Well I had been taking it seriously. How was I to differentiate what to be taken seriously of what he said and what not to be taken seriously? I don’t have a bullshit filter that can determine what is truthful and what isn’t. After stating that trusting him was hard from now on, he took this really personally and made me out to be the bad guy for being so hurtful. But I ask you world, how was I meant to trust anything he said again?

It may sound cliché, but say what you mean and mean what you say, is a cliché for a reason. I have learnt this the hard way.

Days Gone By – My 2011

I know lately that most things I have been writing are fairly self reflective and self focused. Nothing like the end of the year as well as some signifcant personal losses to make you assess your life, it’s meaning and wonder ‘what the hell have I been doing’. This is a recollection of my 2011, all the highs and lows and where it has left me.

I started 2011, a little blind. New Years Eve spent with my then boyfriend in a penthouse apartment overlooking the fireworks in Sydney Harbour. (epic view) As romantic as it all sounds, I spent most of the night talking to a girl I barely knew, because I didn’t want to cramp my boyfriends style and ended up lying on a lounge with a massive headache begging my exboyfriend to leave with me now, in which he didn’t really take seriously. Only when I was taking headache tablets at close to 4 am did he pay any attention to me. We had to walk a crazy long way to get home and he spent a long time puking up his guts. They say how you spend New Year’s Eve is how you spend the rest of the year, I guess they were right.

My early 2011 started off well. I was working in a temp role for a charity. The work started off well and I enjoyed it well enough, but by the time the contract ended, it was really time to go. But I definately walked away with extra money for my big trip away, some experience as well as meeting some wonderful people who I still see and talk to regularly.

Then June rolled around and it was time for the big trip away. This trip was originally meant to be by myself, for 3 months in Europe. I had travelled solo before and enjoyed it, but I didn’t want to miss my boyfriend. We had spent a long time apart previously and at the time I thought anything was better then a long distance relationship again. I truly cared about this guy. Despite the picture I painted of him above, we got on well and had a lot to talk about. The trip ended up extending to at least a year including working in the USA. In hinesight if I am truly honest, I am not sure I ever wanted to do this. I told myself I did. But people don’t cry the whole flight leaving home for trips they are really prepared for. What can I say. I love my family and my home and being away from them for that long isn’t for me. At the time my ex boyfriend told me he would be my family. But I don’t believe he really understood what saying that meant.

The trip started out well enough, though we would fight. I guess at times I felt having him around made me miss out on the travel I was use to. I was trying my best to compromise, however it was hard when it didn’t seem like he compromised much. It was also hard when I wasn’t really allowed to have an honest opinion without it getting my partner down. I had to like everywhere, which just isn’t always possible. Also keeping my true opinions in drives me to insanity. I don’t want to lie to the world. I want to be free to be me.

The trip, whilst at times was amazing, its hard at the moment because we aren’t together anymore, and whilst I am very over the relationship, I am not quite to the point of being able to look back on it all warm and fuzzy. But looking at the downsides, there were just to many for a dream trip. We also travelled with his friends, visited some of his friends, saw his mother overseas. (as I said, turns out how you spend New Year’s Eve is how you spend the rest of the year) It was overbearing. Even more so when I was pushed to the sides and my needs didn’t matter if there was someone else to impress. My needs mattered. My opinions didn’t matter, infact I wasn’t allowed to have them and my needs didn’t matter. My mental or physical health didn’t matter, but got in the way and I was to be nothing more then a trophy. I was reduced to a less than human status. He would take whatever he could. My opinions and my views are a part of who I am. Stripping these away from me, made me less than human.

Would I say that I am fully over this experience? No I wouldn’t. It still affects me. But it affects me in a positive way. It has shown me not to trust just anyone and shown me what being with the wrong person can do. Who needs a toxic relationship. Your partner shouldn’t want to reduce you to nothing.

By the end of 4 months away. I had a mental breakdown. Me and my ex-boyfriend both came home to Australia, but we are not together anymore. That was on the 2nd of November.

Since this date, my life has dramatically improved. I am happy again. I haven’t had a single anxiety attack or felt helpless and worthless. My overall well being has dramatically improved and I am actually excited to get out of bed every morning. I have wonderful family and amazing friends who support me and take care of me as well as just sit and hang out with me. I am so very lucky. Despite this being one of the hardest years of my life, I have gotten a lot out of it and I wouldn’t be where I am now. I now am looking at internships and graduate positions to start my career. I am excited to just focus on me and my future for a while. I am also really looking forward to reading this in a years time and seeing how far I have come. I know I am more then this experience.

And this year I will be spending New Year’s Eve dancing with some of my closest friends in Sydney. Exactly where I should be.

Ethics and Religion in Schools.

First of all I want to way start this post off with saying that I am not religious in any way space or form and would describe myself as agnostic. However when I was in my first year of school at the tender age of 5 my parents thought that even though I wasn’t going to be brought up religious, that I should learn what religion is about, mostly because the basics of christianity in which they teach to a 5 year old runs fairly similar to basic ethics. Stories like the good samaritain teach you the different between right and wrong. It also teaches you how you should treat others. The story of Samson and Delilah teaches us to not to betray those close to us and also to be careful who we trust. Despite these classes not turning me into a believer of god, I definately learnt some basic life lessons through the morals in these stories.

As Australia becomes more politically correct and religion is not such a grand part of our society with religious views moving further and further away from our schools (which I tend to agree with) I can’t help but feel that maybe these could be replaced with human rights and ethics classes. I know this sounds a bit moralistic and do gooder, but if religion is removed I think ethics should be replacing them.

This same ideal ran turn in society when science advanced. As science advanced and questioned the validity of absolutes in religion, the church worried about how society would still morally function. Religion was more to keep us morally in check. It is now that law and punishment took over.

Sliding Doors Moments

I know it is counter productive to think this way, but have you ever had a sliding door moment like that lame movie. Where you came to a crossroads and you knew even then but with hindsight even more now that you had a choice and life would have turned out 2 very different directions.

In January 2011, I had one of these moments. A moment where I almost walked out the door, but something pulled me back. As counter productive as this is, as I can’t change the past, sometimes when I think of this fateful day I can’t help but think, if only you walked away.Where I am at in life would be completely different had a walked away then. The stupid thing now is, that nothing changed in my relationship from when I almost walked away from it to when it ended in November. The only thing that changed was that I realised that I would have to accept that this wouldn’t change, so in a sense I settled for a fault in a relationship. A rather large flaw, or rather a flaw that was made larger and larger over time.

I know now I just have to walk away and realise that I learnt my lesson even if it was possibly the most painful lesson that I have had to learn in life. Maybe that was the way I needed to learn it, maybe it was the only way I would learn it.

This relationship caused me to have a mental breakdown. Am I mad about this or at him? No I’m not. Because I should have walked away and I didn’t. Walking away would have been hard, but turns out not walking away was much harder.

2011 – Another Great Year of Lessons.

As another year draws to a close in the coming weeks, it is time to reflect on another year that was and all the great, wonderful and sometimes sad changes to take place. Through this journey we call life, you tend to learn a few little things along the way and as long as you can walk away with those, your sanity and excitement for what is to come, you’ve had a good year. Here is a list of things 2011 has taught me.

1.) That staying in 21 bed dorm rooms is a bad idea

2.) That staying in 21 bed dorm rooms after coming off a 12 hour flight, is an even worse idea

3.) That when you are going to do a stop over in another country before your big trip, it’s probably best to not go nuts with the sightseeing there, but sleep and recover from your flight.

4.) That you should always research movies before you decide to go see them at the cinema with your mother, so you don’t end up watching a really awkward lesbian scene with her. (we are both still scarred)

5.) That travelling with a boyfriend is a bad,bad idea.

6.) That you shouldn’t commit to things your really not sure you can do (and turns out not even sure you want to do)

7.) That you really can make some great new friends

8.) That you really do have some great old ones too, and even if you don’t see them much, they still know you, because they grew up with you.

9) That you are a very loved person, but a whole array of people who care about you

10.) That New York is magical

11.) That travelling for 5 months on the go in dorms is not as romantic as it sounds.

12.) That you will always have a soft spot for cocker spaniels (pollydogs!)

13.) That there is a lot of bad and scary things in the world, but there are lots of good stuff too.

14.) That nothing beats a good chat with mum.

15.) That Sydney, Australia is my home.

16.) That I would die in a small country town and will always be a city girl.

17.) That nothing beats sitting around with my mum and dad and watching Glee, our little tradition.

18.) That music has the ability to make me really happy.

19.) That sometimes you just need to dance

20.) That I will really start to love the person I am becoming