Back Home Again – A reflection.

This weekend is the weekend of Coachella. This means that it is around next week that if everything went to plan in the USA with my ex-boyfriend I would be coming home soon, not 5 months earlier like I did. Whilst a part of me (small part) is sad that I’m not at Coachella this weekend, it’s hard to be sad with the last 5 months in my life. In previous posts I have written about how much I have learnt in this time and how much I felt I missed out on that I want to make up for. But realising that in these last 5 months if things did go to plan there is a lot that I wouldn’t have had. It has made me see that I have gained a lot more than I lost.(you know what they say, happiness is all in the mind and its so true) This is what I have gained by having the best laid plans all fall through.

My Amazing Family – I have always been really close with my mum, dad and brother though without a doubt I am much closer to them now than I ever have been. I’m not sure if this experience of being apart or if it was watching their daughter/sister go away a happy, confident girl and having her come back an utterly miserable mess that scared them or made them realise that I do have a fragile side that I don’t show them to often. My mum and dad do treat me differently now and are different to before I went away. But they aren’t patronising, they are more supportive, understanding, encouraging and honest with me, more than they ever have been before. I think watching their daughter go through this has taught them a bit more about life too.

My Closest Friends – The thought of not seeing my best friend at all from last june until now is just weird. Granted I did use to email him at least twice a week when I was away, but emailing is hardly the same. The thought is just bizarre to me. I am also glad that I have been home when another really close friend has moved back to Sydney and going through some similar things. We definately grew apart before and it’s nice to be bridging that gap again and I am very thankful to have her around again.

My new friends – Before I went away, I made the most amazing friends. I’m not someone who makes friends easily, it does take me time to feel comfortable around new people. But these girls are beyond the nicest people I have ever met. I remember thinking as I left ‘what are the chances of coming back in a year and still having these friends’ but after 5 months and them hearing I came back early and it didn’t work out, they were some of the first people on my doorstep and I still see them as often as possible. Only coming back now, in all honesty, I’m not sure I would have had these people, but now I know I do, for life.

My Health – I spent over a month of my last days of travelling being sick. A month is not a good time frame to be sick and exhausted and never getting a chance to properly rest. It got to the stage where I forgot how being healthy felt. Mentally, physically and emotionally by the end of this trip. I wasn’t there. It’s pretty doubtful with everything I have discovered since coming home that I would have my mental and physical health back.

Some Direction – Whilst these 5 months have been the amongst the hardest of my life, I have a lot more direction and whilst I might not know exactly what I want all the time, I know what I don’t want now and that by default makes me closer to knowing what I do want.

Blogging My Way Out of a Black Hole

5 months ago, I was advised to start writing a journal or a blog to help improve my life. Not only does writing have a very therapeutic nature to it, it allows for a creative and effective means of self expression. This past 5 months has been a great journey for me. I can only say it has been at times the hardest time in my life, but at the same time I have discovered things about myself and life that have only and will only make things better in the future. These are all the things that the experience of blogging my way out of a black hole has given me.

Blogging has given me an outlet of Self Expression – It wasn’t until I started blog writing that I realised how much self expression was really missing from my life. I have always been a quiet and shy person, but I have always had opinions and things to say. In my situation overseas, I had limited people to express myself to as well as the fact that the only person whom I could express myself to on a daily basis, discouraged me from having an opinion differing to his. This made me timid to self express and to really thinking for myself and this blog has given me that internal power back.

Blogging has made me connected to the world like I never have before – With blogging, you get to know people by their experiences. Real life, you only find out their secret sorrows and life altering and defining experiences after you know someone a long time. Reading the blogs of others as given me a valuable insight to my fellow bloggers and a greater understanding of others. Greater understanding of what is beneath the surface.

Blogging has allowed me to understand my own life more – looking back at some of my first posts over 5 months ago, I was in a completely different place mentally and emotionally. The things I understand about my situation now, I didn’t when first writing this. I essentially have written my way out of a black hole, with a greater understanding of those around me, only achieved by the written word.

Blogging has connected me to a community of people who share a similar story – Going through an experience of being with someone narcissistic would have been a lonely journey without the blogging community and those blogs and people. So much of their stories, mirror my own, which has allowed me to understand exactly what happened in a step by step format. It has also given me a tremendous amount of support, where otherwise there would have been none that could understand on a personal level. The sharing of stories and experiences ultimately connects you on a deeper level. I have also found that the blogging community has been one of the most inclusive communities I have ever felt part of. I’ve had a number of people offer up their emails or to contact them if I ever needed them, which flaws me as to how nice some people in the world are. I’ve also never had anyone say a bad or ill word towards me or anything I am saying. I oddly don’t feel lonely very often, I thought in this situation I would, but oddly I don’t.

Blogging has made me view my life and the world differently – Blogging has made me notice things more. In wanting to update somewhat frequently, it makes me think about things more, notice things more, reflect more and share more. All very positive qualities in which I feel are shaping this new and improved version of myself. In extending onto this, I am now going to make a point of taking my camera everywhere I go, to encourage me to pay more attention to my surroundings.

Tips on Happiness, by someone completely unqualified to give it

Anyone who knows me, knows I am no life expert. Whilst I have a grasp of basic psychology, I have only learnt about the positive effects of happiness. We all know the facts. Happy people live long. Happy people have better physical health. Happy people are less lonely.

And whilst I am no life expert, the last 3 months have been a constant work on my happiness and myself, going from the girl who had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with depression, to the girl who’s life is back on track and for the most part, is really happy. Whilst happiness is a very subjective matter, these are in my opinion, some universal rules I have learnt lately.

1.) Love yourself, in a selfless way. How is this possible one might say? By loving yourself despite all the things you don’t like about yourself. Realise what parts of yourself can be improved and what parts of yourself is your true self and things that shouldn’t be changed. Love yourself and take care of yourself, but never to the expense of anyone else. It all starts with a bit of self love

2.) Sleep more, I know we all lead business lives (ok so everyone reading this probably does, right now I do not so much) but you should be able to find to sleep. Your no good to anyone without sound sleep.

3.) Surround yourself with positive people – lately I have started to notice in my interpersonal relationships, which are the people that bring out the positivity in me, which bring out negativity and which seem to bring out negativity in each other. Positive people make you feel good about your life and encourage you in your decisions.

4) Accept people the way they are – this is the one I am working on the most and it is hard. But at the end of the day, the only person you can change is yourself. Your attitudes and expectations towards these people is what you can change. Not their behaviour. But having said that, don’t settle for treatment you don’t deserve.

5) Obligations, not always a bad word- Some obligations in life suck, but some obligations in life, give your life the greatest meaning. Like in the movie up in the air. He gives a speech about freeing your life from its baggage such as relationships and attachments, only to realise that is what life is truly about.

6.) Say Yes more – To social events, to social change, to invites and offers. To experiences and adventures. Don’t think. Just say yes.

I wish anyone who reads this, lots of happiness.

What are your golden rules to happiness?

Realities of Travelling with a Partner.

I know in writing this, I will possibly be a bit biased and the point of me writing this post is not to discourage anyone from travelling with their partner. Travelling with your partner I am told can bring you closer together and make your relationship strong as you take on all the challenges together. It however comes with many certain realities that one must realise before taking this step. This is from the point of view from someone who it didn’t work out for. Reading blogs before I went was all from the point of view of partners that successfully travelled together, but there is much to be learnt from partners that did it and didn’t really live on to tell the tale.

I must warn you… this isn’t a love story.

• The first reality is that you are going to see them everyday. Whilst this might seem like a lovely thought now, when you are tired, grumpy and just want some alone time, they are there, still. Even worse, when they are tired and grumpy or worse in my exes case; hungry. Knowing their limits as well as your own is very important.
• Secondly, if you are combining meeting friends and family members overseas, if at all possible, try and keep it mutual. I can say after spending a fair chuck of my 4 and a half month trip with my exes family and friends and a total of 3 days with mine, that it can get a bit overbearing.
• Thirdly, if you are in your young 20′s and wanting to meet people, I can safely say that you will meet very few people. If you are one of those couples that likes doing things together, that is great, but in 4 and a half months, I didn’t exactly make many friends.
• Respect the need for space. Do things apart if you want to take this step. Spending 4 and a half months with someone constantly is really unnatural. Try to at least go to some museums or shopping or events on your own that your partner won’t enjoy. They will thank you for it.
• Respect your partner. If they aren’t comfortable with something, respect it. If you aren’t comfortable with something, tell you partner and as your partner they should respect you. If you don’t plan on respecting your partner, don’t do this to them. This goes for everything in a relationship really.
• Make sure you discuss what your expectations of the trip are. Every last detail. You want to make sure you are 100% on the same page. Not on the other side of the world, realising that they are chasing things that you were told they weren’t there to chase (yes I am still a little bitter )

Despite my negative experiences, I am still a romantic at heart. I hope if you are your partner are considering travelling together you realise it is not a step to take lightly, but it can have some very beautiful pros. Or so I am told.

The End Of Medication

Today I went to what will most probably be my last doctors appointment for a while. After many visits to doctors to discover what was wrong with me, turns out what is wrong with me is.. (drum roll please)

Absolutely Nothing.

Though I have written about my story way to many times on this blog and anyone that reads this regardly will think of it as a tired old subject, I am going to write it again for any potential new readers and also for myself so I can demonstrate the changes that have taken place in a really small amount of time.

I came back from overseas on the 2nd of November 2011. I had been travelling with my ex boyfriend for months, but whilst at times it had been a good experience, he had been treating me weird and different and I just couldn’t put my finger on this behaviour. Being in an isolated position with just him, I let him convince me that I had something wrong with me. I thought I was at least depressed, if not had some kind of personality disorder. I came home searching for answers about what was wrong with me. I was crying all the time, teary, upset, I apparently couldn’t ever be grateful to my ex boyfriend for him going to any length for me.

It got to the stage where I had a mental breakdown. There are 4 scary hours of my life that still haunt me, in which I have no recollection of, yet I woke up, cut, bruised and hidding under a car. Normal people don’t do this I told myself. So there, more proof for my ex boyfriend to tell me that something is wrong with me. More proof for myself for me to tell myself there is something wrong with me. My ex boyfriend told me that he was scared I was suicidal that night, yet sent me of to a foreign city by myself, so he could ‘recover’ from me having a mental breakdown. I get that it was hard for him, but come on, why did I let him push me around so much.

Other examples of the way I was treated was being told that he felt nothing when I cried, when I was sick and it was possible to catch a later train, he forced me out of bed but got me some sore throat lollies for my massive headaches and pains and got angry at me when I was annoyed calling me ungrateful. He has since said statements such as ‘everything I do is for attention’, stuff about identity crisis as well as telling me that he never got enough recognition from me for all that he did for me. He also projected a lot of his own negative feelings about being weak onto me, making me to believe that I am the weak one. He came back to Australia a hero in his own eyes for ‘all that he did to me’ and I came back the weirdo mess who had everything wrong with her.

Apparently what I went through was the classic narcissistic victim experience and I am so glad to be out the other side. My doctor today told me that the progress and the realisation as well as the research and time I had put into my own understanding of this and linked it to my experiences is amazing, and without sounding completely narcissistic myself, it is amazing and I do deserve some self recognition for that.

Soon I will be completely off anti depressants, no more need for doctors and I will be able to put this whole experience behind me without forgetting everything that I have learnt along the way. Some day I will travel again and completely make up for the lost travel experiences.

Defining the last 5 Years

On the 28th of September 2006, I, along with my 73 other classmates graduated high school. It was an exciting time, filled with optimistic fear. Each year since then, I have learnt some very valuable lessons which defined each year from the journey I have made from the 17-year-old girl who didn’t know what she was going to do with her life, to the 22-year-old girl, who still doesn’t know what she is going to do with her life. 

2007 – The Year of  Autonomy yet Romance.

2007 was the year I started high school, for anyone reading this that might be American (as the largest proportion of people who I seem to meet on here are) you have to realise that we do University very different in Australia. We tend to go to Universities close to where we live, we only really move if we have it. That being said, University definitely isn’t as social in Australia as it is in the United States. After coming from a really small community based high school, were even 5 years later I am still friends with about 40-50% of my classmates, this was a huge adjustment. I had to learn to go places on my own, travel a hell of a long way to get to classes and figure out how to enjoy solitude. I had friends at university, though I learnt quickly to do my own thing. Though this is the year I experience the most romantic bliss, being in a good relationship with few hiccups.

2008 – The Year of Hard Work and Hard Partying

2008 proved to be one of the hardest for me study wise. With subjects such as Social Research Methods, Philosophies of Social Sciences as well as Mind, Body and Emotion and Health Psychology and Drugs, Addiction and Society it proved to be one tough year learning the vast areas that Social Science degrees have to offer. Despite turning 18 in 2007, 2008 was when I really explored what this extra privilege gave me. We have been having house parties for years, but 2008 was the time for exploring all the clubs. You name the type of clubs and I tried it this year. Indie Clubs, retro clubs, emo clubs, metal clubs (I was the preppiest person there, I thought I might get knifed) R n B clubs, trendy clubs. There was a lot of hard work relationships wise too, with a previously great relationship turning sour very quickly.

Purple Sneakers, my favourite club during this phase and that DJ (Monkey Genius) happens to be one of my 74 classmates. That’s right, I am cool by association only.

2009 – The Year of Changes and Adventures - This was the best year of my life and sometimes I am not sure why this year stands out so much more than any other, but it does. The changes that took place in 2009, were probably the most significant personal growth a person can have. I left a relationship that downright made me miserable and got my life back again. I deferred university, went overseas alone and did things completely for myself that were completely my own choosing. It was all me. I achieved a lot this year, made a lot of great friends and think of these experiences like they were yesterday.

2010 – The Year of Reconnection (and the ending of 16 and a half years of education and yes more partying)

The year of all the 21st. The 21st came rolling in and this year gave me some of the cheapest and best parties I have and ever will attend. Being invited to all the old friends from high school parties also reinforced just how much of a bond you create with the people you share the experience of school with. Even though we will all make new friends and go off in different directions, we will always have that connection. 2010 is a year I never give enough credit too. I finished a degree this year. I left a huge phase of my life behind. In hindsight it was a very exciting year.

2011 – The Year of the Opening Eyes and Seeing the World.

The end of 2011 proved to be my downfall, with a breakdown to follow. This year was the year of challenges, the year of opening eyes for many reasons. Firstly from travelling through Europe for 4 and a half months, my eyes were opened to world events I had little to no idea about. That is what travel is for, it broadens the mind. I learnt so much recent history that I really didn’t know much about such as Soviet’s Invasion in Central Europe. In my modern history classes back at high school we focused more on Asian History and American History, so European History is something I knew very little about until recently Secondly, I opened my eyes to the holes and reality of my private life, reality isn’t exactly bliss at times, but at least its reality. Despite the challenges of this past year, I got to see a lot of the world which I have longed to do for a very long time.

And now a question for anyone reading this?

How do you define the last 5 years of your life? and how do you hope to define 2012?

Hindsight

Life is sometimes really funny. Sometimes you don’t see things until a long time later. Last night I was talking to an old boyfriend of mine from many years ago. We dated from when I was 17 until I was 20. It was my first serious relationship, my first real one. I have a lot of good memories from this relationship (and some bad too) it was a very intense relationship at the time and I know this person did care about me very much, possibly too much, more than I understood.

Whilst I am anything but trying to convey that this relationship was perfect, it was not in any way shape or form perfect. We weren’t suited to each other and I was a lot younger and more naive. It ended in a pretty bad way but years later we are on good terms and I am very grateful for that.

I love that a few years later I can look at how far we have both come in life and see that ending that was right. After my most recent relationship that ended I also have a greater appreciation for this guy. Not in a longing for him kind of way. I don’t mean to make it sound like I would be interested in him again, I wouldn’t be. Whilst he was far from perfect, he really cared about me. I have never once doubted that. I guess I just really appreciate how much he cared about me, it’s hard being the person who gives more of themselves to a relationship. After being on the opposite side of this, I really get it.

He had some tough personal circumstances since we broke up and he has worked really hard and I am really proud of how far it seems he has come. He is now travelling the world for 10 months.

Best of Luck

The True Self and the False Self

It’s funny how productive you get when you don’t really need to be. I swear I have learnt more about psychology over the last couple of months, bored and unemployed and needing something to do and focus on, then I ever did in my Social Science degree in which I majored in Social Psychology and Social Research.

This is a bit of a follow-up on the article I wrote about Freud, projection and defense mechanisms of the mind. This is another defense mechanism of the mind in which I find truly fascinating. After having a conversation with someone a few weeks about self and identity, I did a little research and became fascinated by the concept of the false self and the true self.

Originally the concept of the False self was determined as he “False Self” a defense designed to protect the True Self by hiding it. It is thought that in health, a False Self was what allowed one to present a “polite and mannered attitude” This is like saying that we remain polite and civilised in society even when on the inside we don’t feel like it. Our false self allows us to hold our feelings back. However in the healthy individual we still know what is our true self and what part of us is putting on a front.

These thoughts were extended by Kohut who extends them into the unhealthy individual and shows us what happens when this false self takes over the true self. In a sense, when we lose sight of our true self and become our false self, a defense mechanism to cover our true self.

These are the 5 stages of the true self and false self ranging from the pathological to the healthy individual.

1. ‘At the pathological end of the continuum the false self acts as if it were the real person’ – the true self remaining concealed, only a virtual possibility. However, the false self always lacks “… something essential” socially, the person is perceived as false.
2. Less severely, the false self protects the true self, which remains unactualised – for Winnicott a clear example of a clinical condition organised for the positive goal of preserving the individual in spite of abnormal environmental conditions of the environment.
3. Closer to health, the false self supports the individual’s search for conditions that will allow the true self to recover its well-being – its own identity.
4. Even closer to health, we find the false self “… established on the basis of identifications”.
5. In a healthy person, the false self is composed of that which facilitates “… a polite social behavior, good manners and a certain reserve”. It is this essential courtesy that makes possible life in society: ‘the false self acts to allow smooth passage through the world by inducing appropriate and socially acceptable ways of expressing love and hate’

So in conclusion, we all have a false self. However in the healthy individual this false self should only be used to keep us civil and polite and a functioning member of society and we should be aware of the fact that it is false and what our true self still is to remain a healthy individual. I will remember that so I don’t lose myself ever again.

 

Projection – Oh Freud, your not as crazy as everyone thinks

I have always liked Freud.  Every time I mention my love of Sigmund Freud to anyone, they usually look at me a bit funny. Yes I am aware that some of his views are a little bit strange. The first thing I learnt about Freud was Penis Envy and the Oedipus Complex which also made me believe that he was one crazy misogynistic weirdo. But through my studying of Freud in my Social Sciences degree I have grown to have a much greater respect for him. Visiting his house in Vienna was very great recent experience of mine. It is a great experience for anyone interested in Sigmund Freud (however not reccomended for anyone who doesn’t already know a bit about Freud or who isn’t a fan, it’s more of a Shrine for him)

Outside the Freud Museum

Whilst I know that some of his theories are a bit out there, I can’t help but think these eccentric and aloof theories have overshadowed some of his more sound work. This has given him a bad name and it seems that many out there don’t seem to take him or his sound theories very seriously or really give him enough credit for his work and advancement of psycho-analysis.

One of my favourite theories of Freud’s is ‘Psychological Projection’ in which I have witnessed in my own past experiences. Psychological Projection is a defense mechanism of the ego. It is where ‘one projects his own undesirable thoughts,desires or motivational feelings onto someone else’

Have you ever had an experience where someone accuses you of something and later on you realise that is exactly what they are doing or they fear themselves. That is projection. I have had it happen to me and understand a lot more about some experiences of the past. Freud, you have made things make a lot more sense. This trait is commonly found in those suffering Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti Social Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However does not mean you must have one of these disorders to use this defense mechanism. It is commonly used with those with paranoid personalities, to protect themselves from traits in which they do not want to admit too.

The Michael Scott Paper Company – A Psychological Evaluation.

The other day I watched the episode of the office titled ‘The Michael Scott Paper Company.’ In this episode, Pam and Michael have started the Michael Scott Paper Company and it gets off to a shaky start.

At first Michael is delusional, delaying work at all costs until he has a major freak out. Despite the fact that Pam is scared to, she says that when Michael is weak she becomes strong. She also says that this happens in her marriage to Jim as well. When one person in the partnership has a freak out and becomes weak, they other one becomes stronger. She said it was one of those strange yet lovely parts of partnerships.

Later in the episode, the reverse happens. Pam starts to question if she has made the biggest mistake of her life in leaving her receptionist role at Dunder Mifflin, in which never really made her happy, but was a dependable role that covered her bills. When she has her freak out, Michael puts his issues aside and states ‘that they both have made the decision together and that they have each other and they will work on it together.’ Michael therefore takes on the role of the stronger character, to reassure Pam.

I noticed in my own previous relationship that this happened for me to an extent. Well at least it happened one-sided. Every time my ex boyfriend freaked out, I became strong. Even if I was freaked out and scared to, I took on the role of the strong person. However this wasn’t reciprocated. I did become weak and scared, however I don’t feel my ex partner managed to become strong when I became weak. I got very depressed at one stage, and he would get mad at me for being depressed. He would get upset that I was upset. I needed reassurance and for someone to be strong for me, but instead he turned it around and made it about him. The way I was treated, only made matters worse and it became a vicious cycle.

I remember distinctly when we arrived in Beijing for a stop over. He got freaked out, he has never been in a non english speaking country before. We needed to change flights and only had so much time to do it. I get it, it was pretty stressful. I was stressed too, but he was more stressed, so I became pro active and figured it out. Asked someone and we got there. We then got to Beijing late at night and he got freaked out again. 2 freaks out in day one of the big trip. It made me slighty nervous, but at the end of the day, I was worried and cared and gave him a big pep talk about how it would be fine and really the worst case scenarios weren’t so bad and if we just stuck together we would figure it out. Truth was I was a bit worried myself.

However when it came to my inevitable freak outs, this never happened. I either got yelled at for being weak or was made to feel like there was something wrong with me for this. Was told I wasn’t strong enough etc. I really started to believe this and I have always known that I was a strong person, so hearing that I wasn’t all the time, had a profound impact on me. I guess the more your told something, the more you start to believe it.

After watching this episode of the Michael Scott Paper Company and being a student of Social Psychology, I spent a little time looking up whether this was a psychological phenomenon. Some fancy name that I can put to it. Lately I have been trying to figure things out with psychology rather than my emotions. Become a bit more logical and to think with my head more than my heart. But after a bit of research, turns out this phenomenon might just be love and selflessness and no fancy psychological term that I could put a long and educated name to. Just plain old love. It’s revelations like this where I realise just how blind I was.