The Dictator – Breaking the Curse

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am cursed. The Sasha Baron Cohen curse. The two relationships in my life have been significantly impacted by two movies, Borat and Bruno. 2 bad first date films, 2 relationships later and one single girl still left standing, just. Yes that is right, somehow I managed to get myself on almost the same first date again, without inadvertently knowing that I was. Only me. You would think when a guy takes you to see a Sasha Baron Cohen film for a first date the alarm bells would ring, however my alarm bells remained muted, not once but on two occasions.What can I say, take me to a Sasha Baron Cohen film and I am an easy women, as history has shown us anyway

When I first saw the advertisements for the Dictator I cringed. My first reaction was to just go to and from work everyday without making eye contact with any man along the way and lock myself in my room until it stopped showing in cinemas. I could not end up on that same first date again. I could not allow history to repeat itself once-more. But instead last night, I broke the curse. I saw the dictator with 3 of my closest friends. No possibility of ending up on a history repeating date.

As for the movie, the Dictator does not even come close to Borat or Bruno and I don’t reccommend it. The shock value has been lost and the Dictator is missing the best element of the other films. No bagging out really over the top stupid, ignorant Americans. (I know it’s not all of you American’s by any means) The Dictator is tired and old hat now, but hey, at least the curse is broken. May my next first date not be filled with Sasha Baron Cohen.

It’s Story Time

I feel like sharing a story that I haven’t shared in full with anyone before. It’s not the most interesting story in the world, but it has a point I promise.

When I was travelling through Europe with my now ex-boyfriend, we went to Dubrovnik. Dubrovnik was one of the most scenic and beautiful places I have ever seen. The bus through the winding streets overlooking the Old Town hanging over the Adriatic Sea was one of the few moments when I just sat back and thought, WOW. Without sounding cynical, my trip didn’t have as many WOW moments like this as I had hoped, but this was definitely one of those moments. Dubrovnik, despite it’s beauty didn’t have the best beaches. By saying this, I mean they weren’t practical for a beach goer. Instead of sand it would be either gravel and rockbeds surrounded by oceans were considered beach. (by this I mean you jump off large rocks to get into the water and have to get yourself out again)

When going to the island of Lokrum, (that one in the distance on that photo) I realised that by beach, they meant large rocks. It wasn’t somewhere I was comfortable swimming because I questioned if I could get out of the water again. After hunting around for somewhere to go swimming, I realised I’d be better off back at the mainland. I was with my ex-boyfriend however and I didn’t want him to miss out. I said to him ‘ how about you have a quick swim here and I will wait on the rocks, then we will get the boat back to the mainland. He was annoyed (and I get it, my physical limitations were holding him back) but agreed. After waiting 20 plus minutes, he finally got out of the water and lay his towel down and got out a book, intended to set up camp for the afternoon, (not next to me or anything, I was waiting about 30 metres back, as far as I could get without having to get on all fours to climb down) whilst he knew that I was under the impression that I was waiting for him, thinking that he was willing to compromise with me. But compromise was never my ex-boyfriends strong suit.

I got shitty, I was tired of being screwed around by his inability to compromise, so I told him I needed to be alone and went off on my own. Once I got back to the mainland, I went exploring. After a long, long walk to let off steam with nothing more than some change to buy an ice-cream and my towel, I discovered the most beautiful beach. Soft white sand, with only a hint of gravel, so it only mildly hurt my feet to go swimming barefoot. It was a private beach attached to fancy hotel, though lucky for me I am small and could just fit through the gap in the broken fence. Whilst feeling devilishly naughty for sneaking into somewhere exclusive that I wasn’t mean to be, I was in a daring mood. Having just come from Spain, top-less sunbathing was something I saw daily. In a whim, I took off my bikini top and sat in the sun with my ridiculously white chest exposed to the world. I have to tell you,whilst it might seem small, it felt liberating and I felt like my adventurous self again.

Which kind of brings me to my point. A long time ago, I read that you know the person you are with is the one if you like the person you are when you are with them. But that’s just it. I was my adventurous and happy self when he wasn’t there, not when he was. When he was present I was irriatated, anxious and unhappy. Shouldn’t we have been having these adventurous moments together, not separate. I guess if there is ever a next time, that’s how I will be able to tell.

My Love Hate Relationship with Gossip Girl

Right now I am unemployed and living with my parents. So my days are spent in equal parts; applying for jobs, watching copious amounts of television, writing in this blog, sorting my life out and writing a book proposal. Not totally unproductive, but lets be honest, it’s fairly unproductive.

Right now, I am watching Gossip Girl. I use to watch Gossip Girl when it first came out but gave up on it pretty quickly. However boredom and desperation have got me back to watching it again, and we have developed a great love hate relationship.

I am starting to get addicted, I know, I am somewhat ashamed and feel embarrassed admitting this to random people on the internet. The fashion, the scandal and the daydreaming about Dan has pulled me in. So has my overwhelming boredom.

But today watching some of the twisted messages on Gossip Girl made me think ‘gosh I hope young girls don’t take any notice of this show.’ By this I am not talking about the scheming and the backstabbing, because whilst that is featured in obsence amounts, their is usually a moral to the story and good wins. I am talking about this shows take on relationships and love.

One of the characters was saying to another that his abusive and horrible ways of treating her and their intensely bi-polar relationship was the makings of ‘great love’ and that she deserved a ‘good love.’ By this he mean one that was going to be steady good for her. Whilst I don’t disagree with what he is saying, that she deserves someone that will make her happy all the time, but isn’t it sad how we label turbulent relationships as ‘great love’ because sometimes they are intense but often others they are horrible, abusive and a massive rollercoaster rides. I find it kind of scary, the messages of crazy rollercoaster ride relationships from hell are being labelled as ‘great loves’

Give me a ‘good love’ anyday.

Making friends when there are no more playgrounds

Sometimes I really miss the old days. The days of kindergarten where whoever the teacher sat you next to was your best friend, whoever was closest to you as you walked out the door for recess would be the person you spent recess with and if you wanted to make a new friend it was as simple as saying ‘can I play with you’ (at 23, I don’t have enough guts to try this approach again)

But making new friends at 23 is more of an effort. Since me and my  ex-boyfriend are no longer together, I have felt a bit of a gap in my life. I really don’t want to fill this gap with another man however for a couple of reasons. Firstly I don’t want to just be one of those girls that jumps from guy to guy and get to the point where I have no idea who I am even upset about not having anymore. Secondly I have also resided to the fact that this time, this hurt isn’t one I am going to be able to brush off quite as easy as the others in the past. This effects of this hurt are somewhat here to stay, at least for the time being and the thought of putting that much trust into someone again, well lets just say that it is not going to happen for a long time. So I have decided that gap is to be filled with a whole lot of self-love and some better relationships with friends.

Whilst I have a fair few friends from high school and previous jobs still, I am trying to put myself out there a bit more and spend more time with new people and people who I know but not very well.

Last night I had coffee with a girl I use to work with, but haven’t seen since I quit there over a year ago. She was on facebook however and she was always easy to talk to and good for a laugh. I was somewhat nervous about it actually. I wasn’t sure if we would have much to say. Turns out though, the night went great, I really enjoyed seeing her and we had lots to talk about. She had gone overseas with her best friend and it went terribly and they aren’t friends anymore. Turns out we had a major life event (except mine was with a boyfriend) in common and could very easily relate to it. I had fun and we will definitely do it again sometime.

And tonight I am going to a friends party where I will know like 3 people tops. Whilst I might not stay long, I should go and try to meet some new people and get myself out there more. Making new friends at 23 is hard, but it’s definitely not impossible

Ponderings about Love

I’m not sure what it was, but last night I found myself in tears telling my mum just how bad things got overseas between me and my ex-boyfriend. I have spoken to my mum about it before, many times, but I think it was the first time I have ever really let her see how much all of it has effected me. Just how much my thoughts were manipulated by him and what he convinced me I was worth. By the end mum was crying too.

I’m not sure why it upset me so much last night, perhaps because of valentines day though more likely because of being hormonal and to my body adjusting again to being off medication. I was told to expect some moments like this. I am a highly sensitive person.

My views on love got really screwed up and now 3 months on, I am trying to figure out what is healthy and what is not when it co mes to relationships and what better day to do this then today, Valentines Day, the day all about love and relationships.

1.) My ex boyfriend told me that compromising wasn’t a good idea and when you compromise, everyone’s unhappy. The better way to live was for one person to be completely happy and the other to completely lose out. Funnily enough, the person always losing out was me. But I no longer am going to let his warped views on life shape mine. Compromise is the only way to make a relationship work. Both sides need to have the ability to compromise. Compromise can make both sides happy.

2.) My ex boyfriend convinced me that in a relationship, you should just take care of yourself and you should just expect your partner to take care of themselves as well. Everyone takes care of themselves and it will all work out. Whilst I am not disagreeing that you should take care of yourself, but if you are only going to take care of yourself then why be in a relationship at all. Taking care of your partner is just as important if not more important than taking care of yourself. That was the problem, I was taking care of him and he was taking care of him. Who was taking care of me?

3.) Communication is key. My ex was terrible at listening to me or empathizing with how I felt. He didn’t have the ability to empathise with me. I needed someone to listen and to understand, not to yell and blame me for everything. Communication is essential.

4.) A couple of nights ago, one of my close male friends talked about how much his girlfriend put up with him and did for him and cared for him. He was surprised she put up with so much, but was so grateful towards her. My other friend turned to me and said, god I put up with a lot more than that. I said to her ‘me too’ but don’t you get it, that’s the difference, he appreciates that his girlfriend does a lot for him and that’s why it works. Some appreciation is key.

5.) Respect is essential. Any time I expressed any of my wants or needs to my ex partner, he accused me of manipulating him. Everytime I wanted something different to him, he said I was just manipulating him and he wasn’t going to be manipulated. Eventually it got to the stage where I felt like wanting or needing anything that was different to what he wanted was me being manipulative. But now I see that, it was his lack of respect for me that was the problem, not me having wants or needs. Respect is key.

Relearning about love is something I never thought I would have to do, but I will get my old perspective about love back one day.

The Signs were there Day One

This coming saturday will be my birthday. It will also be the would be anniversary with my now ex-boyfriend. Despite what you may think, I am actually kind of glad this would be event falls on my birthday, since the 11th of Feb has been my birthday (as well as my parent’s wedding anniversary) for a lot longer than it has been in relation to anything to do with him.

Thinking back to when we got together on this fateful birthday of mine, it’s actually really scary the signs of narcissism that presented themselves even then, that I blindly ignored in my smitteness.

He was in a different continent to me at the time, in America on student exchange but for the last 5 months we had been skyping at least every second day. He was meant to call me at 4:30pm on my birthday, before I went out to celebrate my birthday that night. He however never showed up to our skype date. Eventually I was in tears (god this story makes me sound like the biggest idiot seeing as well all know that I obviously forgave him and decided to become more serious with him) and sent him a message saying I was pissed off he stood me up on my birthday and it was just one day to put me first.

But instead he chose watching a movie with friends, when he realised he had made a mistake, I genuinely believe he now realised he made a mistake. He said to me that he put off calling me until later because he thought during the day, that if he did this stuff with his friends first, he would have more time to actually talk and spend with me on my birthday. But even if that is true, I said to him, it’s my birthday, did you honestly think I didn’t have better things to do than sit around and wait for you, and that I didn’t spend my birthdays sitting alone by myself. Did he not think it was possible I had plans of my own and a life that evolved around more than just him.

When saying this to him, he said he realised he didn’t think. But now I see, that its Narcissism. He isn’t capable of thinking outside himself or being in anyone elses shoes. It was in my face from day one.

This Saturday will be a great celebration of my 23rd year of life and my parents 28 years of marriage.

Realities of Travelling with a Partner.

I know in writing this, I will possibly be a bit biased and the point of me writing this post is not to discourage anyone from travelling with their partner. Travelling with your partner I am told can bring you closer together and make your relationship strong as you take on all the challenges together. It however comes with many certain realities that one must realise before taking this step. This is from the point of view from someone who it didn’t work out for. Reading blogs before I went was all from the point of view of partners that successfully travelled together, but there is much to be learnt from partners that did it and didn’t really live on to tell the tale.

I must warn you… this isn’t a love story.

• The first reality is that you are going to see them everyday. Whilst this might seem like a lovely thought now, when you are tired, grumpy and just want some alone time, they are there, still. Even worse, when they are tired and grumpy or worse in my exes case; hungry. Knowing their limits as well as your own is very important.
• Secondly, if you are combining meeting friends and family members overseas, if at all possible, try and keep it mutual. I can say after spending a fair chuck of my 4 and a half month trip with my exes family and friends and a total of 3 days with mine, that it can get a bit overbearing.
• Thirdly, if you are in your young 20′s and wanting to meet people, I can safely say that you will meet very few people. If you are one of those couples that likes doing things together, that is great, but in 4 and a half months, I didn’t exactly make many friends.
• Respect the need for space. Do things apart if you want to take this step. Spending 4 and a half months with someone constantly is really unnatural. Try to at least go to some museums or shopping or events on your own that your partner won’t enjoy. They will thank you for it.
• Respect your partner. If they aren’t comfortable with something, respect it. If you aren’t comfortable with something, tell you partner and as your partner they should respect you. If you don’t plan on respecting your partner, don’t do this to them. This goes for everything in a relationship really.
• Make sure you discuss what your expectations of the trip are. Every last detail. You want to make sure you are 100% on the same page. Not on the other side of the world, realising that they are chasing things that you were told they weren’t there to chase (yes I am still a little bitter )

Despite my negative experiences, I am still a romantic at heart. I hope if you are your partner are considering travelling together you realise it is not a step to take lightly, but it can have some very beautiful pros. Or so I am told.

So apparently, now is the time to get depressed about Valentine’s Day

Most nights I like to sit in bed and read random blogs. The whole blogging experience has been fantastic. It has made me feel connected to the world in a way I haven’t really been connected before, somewhat anonymously but connected by experiences. From my little flick through the bloggersphere tonight I have noticed that the bitching about Valentine’s Day has already begun.

I have to admit, I have been ‘lucky’ and had very little ‘Single Awareness Day’s’ and many Valentine’s Days. Since the age of 14 I have only had one valentine’s day as a single women(by the Valentine’s Day rolls around I will be 23) which I realise makes me sound like a serial dater. But it is a little deceiving with one relationship just starting a couple of days before Valentine’s Day, one just lasting the month of February and one only ending a couple of days after the rose petals had died.

But after realising my somewhat good luck with being attached (except for the conclusions of each passing relationship), this is my Valentine’s Day not to worry about men or relationships and a day of being happy about being single, unattached with hope and optimism for future things to come in this department, but only after I have done some things for myself first. Despite my usually being attached on this day, I actually find the whole concept a bit ridiculous, but each to their own.

So Happy Insipid Valentine’s Day to everyone, whether they are single or attached.

I did always like getting Gerbras more than Roses.

Things always seem worse at night.

It’s late at night and I can’t sleep, which explains why this will probably sound like a really depressive post. Things always seem better in the morning. It’s funny when once you sleep on something, you wake up the next day and feel completely different. I am hoping for that tomorrow.

After discovering that Narcissist’s usually always start off as this perfect ideal man to start with and change, I have realised that the person or ideal that I loved was exactly that, an ideal, an illusion. He was witty, charming, smart, sensitive,caring and empathetic. But as it turns out Narcissists have the ability to pick up what you want in a partner and become that person, but this never lasts. The change can be either fast and dramatic, or slow and insidious.

So this ‘perfect person’ I found, never existed. Whilst I understand this, sometimes I feel like ‘why did this person have to be like this.’ I am not a person that really connects with that many people. The thing that really sucks is, well, he was a good friend and someone I enjoyed talking to, we could have intellectual conversations. So it wasn’t actually real, but now I feel like the bar is really high and no one will ever live up to this illusion. This person doesn’t realise what this illusion has done, it has made me think that nothing will compare to a fake presense. Because nothing probably ever will be able to, it was all fake.

Decoding the Fuzz

Since my ex boyfriend broke up with me and I came home from being overseas with him, I have had to work really hard to get my mental health back up. A lot of this involved decoding things he told me about myself or things he twisted onto me and realise how much better I deserve then this.

I had a mental breakdown, was teary, was having anxiety attacks and was diagnosed with depression and you know what.. it’s not my fault. Yesterday I had a massive fight with my ex. Well basically we spoke and when he found out I didn’t have a disorder called Hashimotos which causes major mood swings, he got angry because apparently all my crazy behaviour was really just me. Apparently it was completely all my fault that I got depressed and anxious. It was all my fault apparently that he lied to me, knocked me aside for others attention, never empathise with me ever.It’s not my fault that I couldn’t take the neglect and unhappiness. I was on the other side of the world and all I had was him. I had a mental breakdown and he left me alone for days afterwards in a country where I didn’t know anyone. He then told people he thought I was going to kill myself, yet if he really thought that, why did he leave me alone. Then tell me ‘he went to any length for me.’ Surely I am not the only one that sees this as screwed up.

If I got physically sick at a time that inconvenienced him, then I wasn’t allowed to be sick or slow down. I had to go along with whatever he wanted, because I wasn’t an individual person, with individual needs and individual wants. I wasn’t allow an opinion of my own, because I was an extension of him. Nothing more in his eyes.

Yesterday he had the nerve to say to me that he deserved more recognition for ‘going to any length’ for me. He also said he felt guilt but had no idea why because he didn’t make any mistakes. And also implied that my own mental health problems from his abuse was my fault. That my anxiety attacks are my fault and that I got depressed and it’s my fault.

It’s not my fault. I am so glad I am not as clueless anymore as I was. Girls, don’t let a guy treat you like crap then tell you that it’s your fault that your depressed and having anxiety attacks. Don’t date anyone that lacks empathy and can’t even see it.

You accept the love you think you deserve…. and I know I deserve a lot better than this.