I’m not sure what it was, but last night I found myself in tears telling my mum just how bad things got overseas between me and my ex-boyfriend. I have spoken to my mum about it before, many times, but I think it was the first time I have ever really let her see how much all of it has effected me. Just how much my thoughts were manipulated by him and what he convinced me I was worth. By the end mum was crying too.
I’m not sure why it upset me so much last night, perhaps because of valentines day though more likely because of being hormonal and to my body adjusting again to being off medication. I was told to expect some moments like this. I am a highly sensitive person.
My views on love got really screwed up and now 3 months on, I am trying to figure out what is healthy and what is not when it co mes to relationships and what better day to do this then today, Valentines Day, the day all about love and relationships.
1.) My ex boyfriend told me that compromising wasn’t a good idea and when you compromise, everyone’s unhappy. The better way to live was for one person to be completely happy and the other to completely lose out. Funnily enough, the person always losing out was me. But I no longer am going to let his warped views on life shape mine. Compromise is the only way to make a relationship work. Both sides need to have the ability to compromise. Compromise can make both sides happy.
2.) My ex boyfriend convinced me that in a relationship, you should just take care of yourself and you should just expect your partner to take care of themselves as well. Everyone takes care of themselves and it will all work out. Whilst I am not disagreeing that you should take care of yourself, but if you are only going to take care of yourself then why be in a relationship at all. Taking care of your partner is just as important if not more important than taking care of yourself. That was the problem, I was taking care of him and he was taking care of him. Who was taking care of me?
3.) Communication is key. My ex was terrible at listening to me or empathizing with how I felt. He didn’t have the ability to empathise with me. I needed someone to listen and to understand, not to yell and blame me for everything. Communication is essential.
4.) A couple of nights ago, one of my close male friends talked about how much his girlfriend put up with him and did for him and cared for him. He was surprised she put up with so much, but was so grateful towards her. My other friend turned to me and said, god I put up with a lot more than that. I said to her ‘me too’ but don’t you get it, that’s the difference, he appreciates that his girlfriend does a lot for him and that’s why it works. Some appreciation is key.
5.) Respect is essential. Any time I expressed any of my wants or needs to my ex partner, he accused me of manipulating him. Everytime I wanted something different to him, he said I was just manipulating him and he wasn’t going to be manipulated. Eventually it got to the stage where I felt like wanting or needing anything that was different to what he wanted was me being manipulative. But now I see that, it was his lack of respect for me that was the problem, not me having wants or needs. Respect is key.
Relearning about love is something I never thought I would have to do, but I will get my old perspective about love back one day.