Steps Towards Happiness – Re-gaining Something Lost

On my road to happiness (I feel a bit of a sham still calling it that, because I am more content than I have been, possibly ever right now) but on my road towards regaining myself to be the confident and carefree person that I was, another step has been taken. I have started planning a trip again. It may be a little premature (yes I have only been working for about a month) but by December over Christmas and New Year I will accumulate enough leave for a 3 week trip or if I wait until march, a 4 week trip. Right now in this early stage I am just going over my options. This trip will most probably be taken by myself, which I think will be good for me again. I’ve done it before, so there should be no reservations in doing it again, although this isn’t true. I am a little timid about doing it again, my confidence levels have changed since coming back from when I first did go away by myself. But going away solo is what made my confidence levels so high in the first place and is the number one way to get them back.

Me and travelling have also had a bumpy past. The best time of my life and the time I hold most fondly was overseas, however so was my darkest hour, but I really don’t want to let what essentially is one bad experience with one bad decision ruin travel for me altogether.

Still unsure as to where exactly my trip will be taken, most probably India, though some of me does want to go back to the USA again. It’s almost as if me and the USA have a score to settle. I didn’t like it last time (except New York in which I think about going back to constantly) but there is so much I never got to see that I wanted to see and I kind of feel like me and the USA have a score to settle after everything that happened. But who knows, all I know is that I am reading travel books and looking into trips and it’s really exciting.

First World Needs

I’ve always been brought up to not want too much stuff. As a kid I had lots of toys, but my parents use to point out that I would take the same one with me everywhere, so what was the point in having the rest. This principle has kind of being one I have lived by. Friends have all pointed out how little stuff I have (I’m not a hoarder either) when I have always thought I had as much as anyone. (perhaps I should be going through their things as well). I have always thought that anyone just needs the basics. Whilst this is still essentially true, I am now a little more aware of reality. That sometimes things can make life better and that doesn’t make you a materialistic bitch.

I have never in the past been a fan of smartphones. I have a computer and I can access it at home. I don’t need my phone to tell me the weather, I can walk outside. I don’t need my phone to go on facebook, I have already spent to much of my life on my facebook account as is. But I have realised lately that there is a point where you have to keep up the world as well, or you get left behind. These items then become needs, first world needs.

When I was job hunting, I’d get calls on my mobile (another first world need) with people asking to shoot through something by email. They also expected this basically instantly. But what if I didn’t have a phone that has email, an Ipad and I wouldn’t have access to my computer until after the close of business. Well then apparently I wasn’t going to get my notice for my interview before the interviews the next day, so therefore I missed my chance. My lack of owning a smartphone had all of a sudden cost me the chance to earn a living. (granted it was a crap job anyway and I love the job I now have, take that!) But having a smartphone has now become a need, a first world need. It’s not about keeping up with the Jones, it’s about keeping up with the world and functioning on the same level. You have to change with the pace.

So since getting my new awesome job, I lashed out and bought myself a new present. A Samsung Galaxy SII. It’s an amazing phone. And whilst I am YEARS behind getting exciting about apps that my friends have allll soooo tottaalllly known about for years, it’s still exciting to me. Though I do have a new co-worker that just got his first smart phone today. Guess he had the same post uni, I can’t get a job because I don’t have a smart phone problem too.

I guess I am too quick to judge materialism. There is a point where it’s not materialistic, it’s a kind of need. A first world need.

Tips on Happiness, by someone completely unqualified to give it

Anyone who knows me, knows I am no life expert. Whilst I have a grasp of basic psychology, I have only learnt about the positive effects of happiness. We all know the facts. Happy people live long. Happy people have better physical health. Happy people are less lonely.

And whilst I am no life expert, the last 3 months have been a constant work on my happiness and myself, going from the girl who had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with depression, to the girl who’s life is back on track and for the most part, is really happy. Whilst happiness is a very subjective matter, these are in my opinion, some universal rules I have learnt lately.

1.) Love yourself, in a selfless way. How is this possible one might say? By loving yourself despite all the things you don’t like about yourself. Realise what parts of yourself can be improved and what parts of yourself is your true self and things that shouldn’t be changed. Love yourself and take care of yourself, but never to the expense of anyone else. It all starts with a bit of self love

2.) Sleep more, I know we all lead business lives (ok so everyone reading this probably does, right now I do not so much) but you should be able to find to sleep. Your no good to anyone without sound sleep.

3.) Surround yourself with positive people – lately I have started to notice in my interpersonal relationships, which are the people that bring out the positivity in me, which bring out negativity and which seem to bring out negativity in each other. Positive people make you feel good about your life and encourage you in your decisions.

4) Accept people the way they are – this is the one I am working on the most and it is hard. But at the end of the day, the only person you can change is yourself. Your attitudes and expectations towards these people is what you can change. Not their behaviour. But having said that, don’t settle for treatment you don’t deserve.

5) Obligations, not always a bad word- Some obligations in life suck, but some obligations in life, give your life the greatest meaning. Like in the movie up in the air. He gives a speech about freeing your life from its baggage such as relationships and attachments, only to realise that is what life is truly about.

6.) Say Yes more – To social events, to social change, to invites and offers. To experiences and adventures. Don’t think. Just say yes.

I wish anyone who reads this, lots of happiness.

What are your golden rules to happiness?

It’s All in the Mind

Recently I have really learnt that happiness is all in the mind. You don’t need much to be happy, but to be grateful for what you do have, is the secret to happiness.

I have a friend, she has found a guy that she is moving in with. She came back from overseas about a month after I did, got herself a job and found a place to live and move into with the dream guy. From my point of view, I came back from overseas, from a trip that didn’t work out with my now ex boyfriend and am still unemployed. But at the end of the day, why is it that I seem happier with my life than she does with hers. She just got everything she wanted, and I am thrilled for her, why isn’t she thrilled?

On talking to a friend last night who helped her move into this unit, he mentioned how sad it was that she didn’t seem to excited about the whole finding your first unit and moving in with your boyfriend and getting settled into life. When I picture moving out, I picture it being a very happy event.

But hearing about her having a life I; six months ago would have thought I would want with the guy I was with, happening to her, I realise that happiness isn’t really about what you have, but about how you interpret it in your life. Happiness is about being in the moment and happy with what you do have and realising that even when you don’t feel like you have everything that you want, it is still more than enough.

Defining the last 5 Years

On the 28th of September 2006, I, along with my 73 other classmates graduated high school. It was an exciting time, filled with optimistic fear. Each year since then, I have learnt some very valuable lessons which defined each year from the journey I have made from the 17-year-old girl who didn’t know what she was going to do with her life, to the 22-year-old girl, who still doesn’t know what she is going to do with her life. 

2007 – The Year of  Autonomy yet Romance.

2007 was the year I started high school, for anyone reading this that might be American (as the largest proportion of people who I seem to meet on here are) you have to realise that we do University very different in Australia. We tend to go to Universities close to where we live, we only really move if we have it. That being said, University definitely isn’t as social in Australia as it is in the United States. After coming from a really small community based high school, were even 5 years later I am still friends with about 40-50% of my classmates, this was a huge adjustment. I had to learn to go places on my own, travel a hell of a long way to get to classes and figure out how to enjoy solitude. I had friends at university, though I learnt quickly to do my own thing. Though this is the year I experience the most romantic bliss, being in a good relationship with few hiccups.

2008 – The Year of Hard Work and Hard Partying

2008 proved to be one of the hardest for me study wise. With subjects such as Social Research Methods, Philosophies of Social Sciences as well as Mind, Body and Emotion and Health Psychology and Drugs, Addiction and Society it proved to be one tough year learning the vast areas that Social Science degrees have to offer. Despite turning 18 in 2007, 2008 was when I really explored what this extra privilege gave me. We have been having house parties for years, but 2008 was the time for exploring all the clubs. You name the type of clubs and I tried it this year. Indie Clubs, retro clubs, emo clubs, metal clubs (I was the preppiest person there, I thought I might get knifed) R n B clubs, trendy clubs. There was a lot of hard work relationships wise too, with a previously great relationship turning sour very quickly.

Purple Sneakers, my favourite club during this phase and that DJ (Monkey Genius) happens to be one of my 74 classmates. That’s right, I am cool by association only.

2009 – The Year of Changes and Adventures - This was the best year of my life and sometimes I am not sure why this year stands out so much more than any other, but it does. The changes that took place in 2009, were probably the most significant personal growth a person can have. I left a relationship that downright made me miserable and got my life back again. I deferred university, went overseas alone and did things completely for myself that were completely my own choosing. It was all me. I achieved a lot this year, made a lot of great friends and think of these experiences like they were yesterday.

2010 – The Year of Reconnection (and the ending of 16 and a half years of education and yes more partying)

The year of all the 21st. The 21st came rolling in and this year gave me some of the cheapest and best parties I have and ever will attend. Being invited to all the old friends from high school parties also reinforced just how much of a bond you create with the people you share the experience of school with. Even though we will all make new friends and go off in different directions, we will always have that connection. 2010 is a year I never give enough credit too. I finished a degree this year. I left a huge phase of my life behind. In hindsight it was a very exciting year.

2011 – The Year of the Opening Eyes and Seeing the World.

The end of 2011 proved to be my downfall, with a breakdown to follow. This year was the year of challenges, the year of opening eyes for many reasons. Firstly from travelling through Europe for 4 and a half months, my eyes were opened to world events I had little to no idea about. That is what travel is for, it broadens the mind. I learnt so much recent history that I really didn’t know much about such as Soviet’s Invasion in Central Europe. In my modern history classes back at high school we focused more on Asian History and American History, so European History is something I knew very little about until recently Secondly, I opened my eyes to the holes and reality of my private life, reality isn’t exactly bliss at times, but at least its reality. Despite the challenges of this past year, I got to see a lot of the world which I have longed to do for a very long time.

And now a question for anyone reading this?

How do you define the last 5 years of your life? and how do you hope to define 2012?

Coachella *sigh*

I don’t know if it is because Sydney is finally getting hot again, or because I finally have a new ipod and I can constantly listen to music again, but today I have been really upset about the fact that I won’t be able to be at coachella this year. Having seen the rumored line up and speculation about what it will be, only makes it more heartbreaking.

We have music festivals in Sydney, but they are almost all one day and never live up to what Coachella is. I was so excited for this. Despite what my ex boyfriend thinks and my general disinterest in travelling to the USA again, I feel like I missed out on something big.

Plans not working out happens, and I am moving on from this. But before I can 100% move on, I feel I have to mourn it properly. We I first came back from overseas with my ex boyfriend, all I felt was guilt because he missed out too. He had been convincing me for so long that everything was about him and eventually I guess I thought so too. But now I have started to take care of myself more. I missed out. I wanted to go to San Fran, after New York it was the place I wanted to go the most. I also wanted to go to San Diego and Los Angles and wouldn’t have minded going to Los Vegas and the Grand Canyon. It was MY trip too. I missed out on so much of what I wanted. ME. For to long I allowed it to be all about him. But it is just as much about me.

I will get back all those things I lost. I will go to Coachella one day, maybe not this year. But one day. I will get to san fran and I will experience life abroad, just not in the USA (because I will never get another visa anyway)

I will reclaim everything that was stolen from me. I’ve reclaimed my self esteem and my self respect, my independance and my life and none day I will reclaim it all.

 

Things I forgot to do in 2011

2011 was a bit of a mess of a year for me. Whilst every year has it’s high and its lows, this year I experienced my lowest of lows and amongst these lows I forgot to do some things. These are the things I forgot to do in 2011 and I won’t be forgetting in 2012.

1.) I forgot to take care of myself – Travelling for 4 and a half months with my now ex boyfriend, I struggled to cope and I didn’t take care of myself properly. I didn’t eat well, didn’t sleep well, jam packed to much into days, walked to much, stressed to much and didn’t slow down enough. This year I will be taking care of myself. If I do travel again, I will make sure I sleep more, take naps and do things to eliminate stress. Relax and take in the moment.

2.) I forgot to enjoy myself – I was in Europe! Why was I not enjoying myself more. I mean I did enjoy myself, but why did I not enjoy myself more! That was meant to be the highlight of my life. It wasn’t. This still dissapoints me, but there is no room for that anymore, the past is done and I will travel again and make up for this experience

3.) I forgot myself – I am a pretty strong person, I am a very loyal person, I am a fairly independant person. Not sure where she went this year. Along the road I forgot who I am. It was a weird thing. My personality did a 180 degree turn. I went from being the happiest girl who felt like she had everything, to feeling like I was in a deep hole. The hole has been filled, I filled it myself.

4.) I forgot whats important – I forgot that relationships are meant to make your life more enriched, not stripping you of things that are important to you. I forgot that relationships are meant to make you feel less alone, not more alone than ever before. I forgot that relationships are meant to be about being equals, not to make you feel like you have no say over your life. I forgot that there are plenty of guys who will treat me better than this out there. Every time I said my needs or whats, I was accused of being manipulative. It’s not manipulative to want things that you have said you wanted the whole time.

5.) I forgot to listen to my gut – I have a good gut and I feel socially intune most of the time. It never lies to me

6.) I forgot how fantastic I am – I am

Is there something you forgot to do in 2011 that you won’t be forgetting in 2o12?

A Storybook of Songs.

There is a lyric in the Bright Eyes song Take it Easy (Love Nothing) that goes, ‘if you stay to long inside my memory, I’ll trap you in a song tied to a melody, and I’ll keep you there so you can’t bother me.’ Since hearing this lyric, I have kind of taken this approach or at least what I believe it represents and put it into my life. Whilst it might seem strange, I have a song for most significant moments, at first mostly just negative ones so they wouldn’t bother me and then eventually positive ones that remind me of good times. So this is a collection of songs that represent the storybook of my life.

Belle and Sebastian – If She Wants Me

This song represents my best friend of almost 10 years. Mostly because this was the last song we listen on the last day of high school together on the bus trip on the way home.

Belle and Sebastian – I’m a Cuckoo

This song represents my first experience with heartbreak at the tender age of 16. Bless my young self and all her naivety. ‘Breaking up is misery, I see wilderness for you and me’ – possibly more wilderness for me then him I’d say.

Bright Eyes – Reinvent The Wheel

This is the song, I listened to repeatedly when an old friend from high school passed away. I didn’t know his death would affect me as much as it did and when I hear this song, I always think of him.

The Cranberries – Dreams

This song represents when I was happiest in life in 2009. When I gained a lot of independance and become the person I love. Listening to this songs brings me back to this time and reminds me of how happy I was and also about how close to being that happy I am again.

Duffy – Warwick Avene

This song represents the end to my first serious relationship that lasted from when I was 17 to when I was 20. It sums it up perfectly.

Ben Folds Five – Brick

This to me is about my mental breakdown, cause listening to it makes me feel uncomfortable and just brings me back to that moment and those weeks that followed. ‘As weeks went by it showed that she was not fine, they told me son, its time to tell the truth, she broke down’

So there you have it, if my life was a musical, thats what would be playing. Do you have a song for all the signifcant moments in your life?

So I just had an amazing epiphany, I would have thought a significant moment like this wouldn’t have been in my pajamas

The last couple of months have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. Travelled overseas very unsuccessfully with my now ex boyfriend for 4 and a half months until coming home depressed and broken-hearted. There has been a lot of things for me to figure out about why everything went so horribly wrong and why I got so bad. People have said to me that ‘depression doesn’t have reasons’ but I have really started to figure out that mine did. There were lots of reasons. So here I am on this very uneventful thursday night, in my strippy pj bottoms and my ‘I love Cambodia’ t shirt, having one of the most significant thoughts on my life. I would have thought such a defining moment in my life, might have looked a whole lot different to this.

Talking to my mum tonight, I said some things I didn’t know even existed in me to say. But now that I have said them, everything has become so much clearer to me.

Whilst travelling with my now ex-boyfriend, he didn’t like it when I had an opinion that was different to his. He would just block it out. I could not like something if he didn’t like it to. But he took it almost personally if we didn’t agree on things.

One thing, that most people know about me, that I don’t think he really knows about me, is that I am very passionate about poverty, development work and social change. I’m not sure where this passion came from, possibly I am a person of my changing times. My parents or brother aren’t this way inclined and I have never really had any upbringing to be this way. But that is a huge part of who I am. It may sound dorky. But I am the girl that will get teary when a homeless man on the subway in New York talks about how it’s been days since his had anything to eat and he would rather food donations then money. I’m the type of girl who gets mad at people if they are rude to the homeless, or look down on them in anyway. I like social welfare and I think it makes the world a better place. Nothing makes me happier then the idea of equality.

I’m not sure why, but my ex boyfriend was always bothered by me being like this. He had similar opinions, but basically wanted me to shut up about it. I don’t think he understood how much I link this stuff to my identity and who I am. Telling me to shut up about it, is almost the same as telling me to stop being me or be less me.

My ex boyfriend was also bothered by the fact that I wasn’t a huge fan of the USA. I understand that he loved the country. But that doesn’t mean that I have to as well. He would silence me if I had an opinion on it or made even a small comment about something being sad.

This silencing went on for a long time. I don’t believe he realised the damage he was doing by silencing me like this. But it did a lot of damage. I think being silenced and not being allow my own opinions about issues that are a huge part of who I am, does affect a person. I mean I did a degree in Social Sciences. It is pretty much a degree about discussing and wanting to be a part of change about social issues. Poverty and development work is my passion. When I was silenced on it, I became depressed. This is what I want to do and this is what I will do.

Right now I am in the process of applying for jobs in this field and this field alone. I will do internships, extra study and whatever it takes to work in this profession because this is where I want to be. Kind of sucks that this whole experience had a happen for me to see what I want. But it feels right. Never will I be silenced again. This is what I am meant to do.

So thank you ex boyfriend. No truly. Thank you. I’m not sure I ever would have figured this out without this. I have never been more motivated in all my life. I have direction for the first time in my life. For a long time, I have heard people say to me, ‘everything happens for a reason’ and whilst I believe that I have been waiting for a reason to come and smack me in the face. I finally have my epiphany.

Days Gone By – My 2011

I know lately that most things I have been writing are fairly self reflective and self focused. Nothing like the end of the year as well as some signifcant personal losses to make you assess your life, it’s meaning and wonder ‘what the hell have I been doing’. This is a recollection of my 2011, all the highs and lows and where it has left me.

I started 2011, a little blind. New Years Eve spent with my then boyfriend in a penthouse apartment overlooking the fireworks in Sydney Harbour. (epic view) As romantic as it all sounds, I spent most of the night talking to a girl I barely knew, because I didn’t want to cramp my boyfriends style and ended up lying on a lounge with a massive headache begging my exboyfriend to leave with me now, in which he didn’t really take seriously. Only when I was taking headache tablets at close to 4 am did he pay any attention to me. We had to walk a crazy long way to get home and he spent a long time puking up his guts. They say how you spend New Year’s Eve is how you spend the rest of the year, I guess they were right.

My early 2011 started off well. I was working in a temp role for a charity. The work started off well and I enjoyed it well enough, but by the time the contract ended, it was really time to go. But I definately walked away with extra money for my big trip away, some experience as well as meeting some wonderful people who I still see and talk to regularly.

Then June rolled around and it was time for the big trip away. This trip was originally meant to be by myself, for 3 months in Europe. I had travelled solo before and enjoyed it, but I didn’t want to miss my boyfriend. We had spent a long time apart previously and at the time I thought anything was better then a long distance relationship again. I truly cared about this guy. Despite the picture I painted of him above, we got on well and had a lot to talk about. The trip ended up extending to at least a year including working in the USA. In hinesight if I am truly honest, I am not sure I ever wanted to do this. I told myself I did. But people don’t cry the whole flight leaving home for trips they are really prepared for. What can I say. I love my family and my home and being away from them for that long isn’t for me. At the time my ex boyfriend told me he would be my family. But I don’t believe he really understood what saying that meant.

The trip started out well enough, though we would fight. I guess at times I felt having him around made me miss out on the travel I was use to. I was trying my best to compromise, however it was hard when it didn’t seem like he compromised much. It was also hard when I wasn’t really allowed to have an honest opinion without it getting my partner down. I had to like everywhere, which just isn’t always possible. Also keeping my true opinions in drives me to insanity. I don’t want to lie to the world. I want to be free to be me.

The trip, whilst at times was amazing, its hard at the moment because we aren’t together anymore, and whilst I am very over the relationship, I am not quite to the point of being able to look back on it all warm and fuzzy. But looking at the downsides, there were just to many for a dream trip. We also travelled with his friends, visited some of his friends, saw his mother overseas. (as I said, turns out how you spend New Year’s Eve is how you spend the rest of the year) It was overbearing. Even more so when I was pushed to the sides and my needs didn’t matter if there was someone else to impress. My needs mattered. My opinions didn’t matter, infact I wasn’t allowed to have them and my needs didn’t matter. My mental or physical health didn’t matter, but got in the way and I was to be nothing more then a trophy. I was reduced to a less than human status. He would take whatever he could. My opinions and my views are a part of who I am. Stripping these away from me, made me less than human.

Would I say that I am fully over this experience? No I wouldn’t. It still affects me. But it affects me in a positive way. It has shown me not to trust just anyone and shown me what being with the wrong person can do. Who needs a toxic relationship. Your partner shouldn’t want to reduce you to nothing.

By the end of 4 months away. I had a mental breakdown. Me and my ex-boyfriend both came home to Australia, but we are not together anymore. That was on the 2nd of November.

Since this date, my life has dramatically improved. I am happy again. I haven’t had a single anxiety attack or felt helpless and worthless. My overall well being has dramatically improved and I am actually excited to get out of bed every morning. I have wonderful family and amazing friends who support me and take care of me as well as just sit and hang out with me. I am so very lucky. Despite this being one of the hardest years of my life, I have gotten a lot out of it and I wouldn’t be where I am now. I now am looking at internships and graduate positions to start my career. I am excited to just focus on me and my future for a while. I am also really looking forward to reading this in a years time and seeing how far I have come. I know I am more then this experience.

And this year I will be spending New Year’s Eve dancing with some of my closest friends in Sydney. Exactly where I should be.